Changes..

Helloo... 

It seems the last time i wrote in here things were starting to improve:

- I was in the process of leaving primark.

- Things were improving with the family.

- I was preparing to start a new Job

- & Things with Bobby and I were going well.

Family: My relationship with my family has improved, theres no longer any arguments with my parents. My dad doesn't pick fights with me anymore. Im starting to be a bit more friendly to my sister in-law, im learning to like her so im prepared for two weeks in the dominican republic with her in july. My sister is still the best sister anybody could ask for. and things are going well. 

Pregnancy:  Yepp you read that right. I'm almost 4 months pregnant. and already the baby is turning into a spoilt little thing. It has soo many clothes and shoes and hats.. and as soon as I know the sex it will have alot more - buying white, cream or yellow is beggining to get a little boring now. I've been lucky. I've had no morning sickness. The parents wern't happy at first but they have finally come around to it and are very supportive. Bobby is excited, he cant wait to be a daddy :) I've been feeling little movements its the best feeling in the world, and i cant wait for more little reminders that my baby is kicking around inside me :D 

ED: I've been struggling, but i have something to keep me on track, I have my bad days where i dont have much of an appetite but I force myself to eat atleast 3 meals a day even if they are only little ones. 

Hopefully by the time the baby gets here i will have killed ED. 

Work: I love my job. I love my little old people. some can be quite violent and i've come out with a few cuts and bruises but i love the feeling of helping people. Theres never a day i wake up and dread going to work. :) 

Just a short update. Things are going well, im still here and still blogging just not as often :) 

Much love x x 

Details of my first day at the dementia home :)

Today i had training for Moving and handling at the care home, It is safe to say i love it there, and cant wait to get my purple tunic and start properly. 

I had training with 4 other girls, 3 with experience in a care home and 1 in the same position as me with no experience at all, we all got on really well. 

The day started by sitting in the training room doing theory work about legislation acts, back care, different types of equiptment and the advantages and disadvantages.

We went for a 15minute break then went back to learning theory. In that 15minute break, I learnt alot about what working there would be like. I met a few of the patients there, a lovely man named John who hugged me then kissed my hand, there was also Barbara she had the sweetest smile, I found her whilst trying to find my way back from the toilet, she was wandering the corridors with two dolls which she seemed to think were her babies, it was sad seeing the way some of them acted, there were also some funny times.

After the break we done a lot more theory and then learnt how to help the patients stand up if they weren't capable of standing up for themselves. We took turns in assisting each other to stand up ect.

We broke for lunch, a 45 minute break, myself and Norla headed straight for the exit to the staff smoking area ;) then went back in to meet the others in the staff canteen, I had a pack of crisps and a bottle of summer fruits juice stuff and sat around talking to the other girls on the training course. Lunch was finally over, it dragged on for what seemed quite a while, and i couldn't wait to get back and learn more about the equipment.

We went up to room 2 on the 2nd floor a vacant bedroom where we were introduced to slide sheets, turntables, A hoist, Handling belts, and various other items.

We took turns with practising the slide sheets, handling belts and turn tables on each other, talking them through what we were doing like we would be expected to with the patients.

The hoist wouldnt work soo our trainer shaun went to find another one, while he was gone one of the patients Phillis unlocked the door to the room we were in said hello to us all asked Tina to move over and then got into bed. Shaun couldn't get phillis to leave the room so he called for one of the carers to come and get her, she was not amused, she wanted to stay in bed, she told the carer "Go away you silly bitch!" then when he asked her again if she would go out of the room with him she replied "i cant go out there its raining, theres snow in london, and theres too many chickenss outside" then she sat up and got herself out of the bed, then left the room.

I never thought i'd ever say i cant wait to go to work again but i really cant wait to go!!

We all had a go on using the hoist and being the patient and being strapped into the hoist, i hated it, kinda screamed. 

Just before we left shaun remebered i didnt lay on the slide sheet, i thought i'd snuck out of that one, soo i had to have a go, Anyways it turned out that i was lighter than they thought and they pulled the sheet up a bit far and i went flying up the bed and hit my head on the headboard :O lool 

I've been waiting almost 2 hours for bobby to get here, i just want to go to bed but i have to let him in first GRR. Its been over 3 months since we got together now, but it seems alot longer, and i have to admit i have enjoyed all of the time i have spent with him. 

He took me for a meal and to see a movie last night as a treat for getting the job. We went to an american diner (IN ENGLAND)  - how cool lol, then went to watch "the way back" which was an amazing film about communism and how a group of polish camp inmates escaped and walked from the prison in siberia all the way to indea, it told their story and the story of others, a captivating movie which i would recomend to anyone! 

Anywayss i better leave because im ranting about completely boring babble, the story of my life really haha!! 

Much Lovee

Becca x 

Interview & snow :)

November 30th:

The past few days have gone really well,
I haven't really done anything to exciting and don't have much to say but things are good, slightly more positive, i guess it's just the Christmas spirit within me. I've almost done all of my Christmas shopping. I'm kind of looking forward to my birthday. I will be spending Christmas day with my sister and joining her for Christmas dinner.  There haven't been any family arguments, just me being a bitch to my sister in-law, she provoked me of course. And I'm just feeling good in general.

So today I awoke bright and early (8:30am) and prepared myself for the long walk through the snow to my interview, I was looking forward to wearing my new clothes brought especially for today but due to weather conditions I arrived at my interview at 11am wearing Skinny Jeans, tucked into my boots with a smart top which was hidden under my red coat. I had 15minutes to kill, so I sat in the visitors canteen and brought myself a Coffee.
The two women that interviewed me seemed impressed to hear that i walked down and then up Waterworks Hill, in the heavy snow to get to my interview knowing that people who lived only 10 minutes walking distance from the care home phoned in because they were unable to get there.
I went in with a blank mind, and the first thing they asked was do I have any experience in a care home or know much about dementia, i was honest, and told them I had no experience whatsoever and knew very little about dementia.
They gave me a few scenarios which I personally feel I knew enough about because a lot of it could be applied to the experience i had in child care, they mentioned abuse, and health and safety, and threw one in about if one of the patients were to flip out and block me from leaving the room, my first thought were the panic buttons which every room in the care home has near the door.
They gave me a tour of the Home after telling me a bit more than I already knew about dementia. Whilst walking through the corridors a frail looking old lady was wandering around looking dazed and confused, the team leader asked if she was okay and she took hold of my arm and asked me to take her to the canteen, This worked in my favour as i was able to show them what I am capable of, I had a chat with her, her name was Mrs Bird, we spoke about the weather, and how she was and I helped her to a table where her friends were and said my goodbyes.
The interview went really well, and I enjoyed meeting some of the residents, it kinda made me sad to think how disrespectful people can be towards the elderly.


Did I mention it's been snowing non-stop all day. And all night last night too!!
Last night (Monday) was pub night, as usual. Instead of drinking Wine or Beer like the rest of them myself and Sian were drinking Hot Chocolate and having snowball fights because we are just big kids.
After my interview I was straight on facebook sending Sian a message asking her if she wanted to come out to play.
We went out on the sledges, threw snowballs for Tess (Sians dog) to catch, Went to the school playground and made snow angels, then saw charlottes mum brothers, sister and step dad all out having a snowball fight, so we joined in! :)
Char unfortunately missed out because she was working but we did save some snowballs for her.
We also built a snowman he was a beauty, almost as tall as me, with a bright orange carrot for a nose and stones for eyes, mouth and buttons.  Only to discover a few hours later that someone had brutally murdered him by knocking off his head and then kicking it so that it crumbled to pieces, poor frosty, All that's left to remember him by is his body :(

Tomorrow, will be another busy day. I'll be awake earlier again (7:30am) waiting for mum to leave for work and then somehow will manage to get the Christmas tree and decorations down from the loft, I'll get that all decorated and pretty for when mum comes home at lunch. 10am I will be walking up and down waterworks hill again to get into town, I'm having my nose pierced and buying ingredients to make a birthday cake for myself, because I'm fussy and wont let anyone else make it unless I'm there supervising.
Hopefully mum will appreciate my Christmas spirit and not take the tree down when she sees it.

------------------------------------------------

Happy 1st of  December.

Love you!! x

Dad, the catalyst to most things (AGAIN) :(

I told my dad i hate him and ran for the bathroom before he could get back at me. He has never hurt me physically, But there have been many times he has hurt me with his words!

Today i haven't eaten, I can't be dealing with food right now, that stresses me out enough. I woke up at 2pm, cause of the dog barking, she was trying to tell me leah was at the door, I woke up in a bad mood, no idea why but i just woke up and suddenly felt pissed off. Soo i was in the garden for the duration of leahs visit smoking. An hour later she finally left and i set to work doing what i was ask to do, turns out i'm not strong enough to do what i was asked...

Soo right now im locked in the bathroom with my laptop, shaking, and dreading to see how many black sacks he has filled with my things ready to go out to the bin men on monday.This all started over something i couldn't do, because i wasn't strong enough to lift a chest of draws over my bed and get it out of the way so dad could do something underneath the floor boards there he is in my room going crazy, telling me how much of a mess my room is and throwing things into bin liners!! My room waasn't a mess untill he got in there, because we had people over taking pictures of the house to put on the website of the company who are selling our house for us. I dont care about my things, i have nothing valuable but i care about my privacy. The one thing i dont get much of these days.

(1 hour later)...

Im out of the bathroom, Just had another shouting match with the beloved father!!
And actually chucked the binliners of things out of my room, 5 sacks of stuff. I told him to throw it all i dont care! Even added a few more things in there for him like my new CD player which he brought me, bits and pieces for the tv, the long mirror that hangs on the back of my bedroom door, books, CD's, Mainly things that he brought me.

Now im sitting in my room, the only noises i hear are the sounds of my fingers against the keys, my parents talking and the buzzing of the tv in the front room. I was supposed to be going to a friends 21st birthday party today, promised i would be there no matter what happened, and here i am breaking my promises. Its starting now, 7:30pm. I feel like such a let down but there is no way i could ask my parents to drive me to maidstone so i can go enjoy myself, the answer would be a resounding no. I can't afford a taxi there, and the busses stop running after a certain time. Soo i've phoned her and appologised as much as i could, I'll have to make it up to her somehow i guess.

I honestly feel alone right now, I cant talk to my parents cause they think im a spoilt undeserving child no doubt. I dont like to talk to my sister about things cause i usually just break down infront of her, And i cant talk to my brother cause well Tarina will be there and she just makes things worse anyways, She stirs things and makes a situation worse. Friends, well the very few friends i have are all out having a good time.

Oh and did i mention we are moving house soon. After 10years if living here, after making friends in the walderslade area, my mum has just decided she "never really felt at home here". So we are moving back toward White Road Estate, closer to family, closer to old friends that i pushed away over the years, closer to the place where i spent my childhood being bullied, or getting involved in fights where i would often come home with a black eye a bloody nose, some bruises. Im not looking forward to moving back there. Times have changed and im a lot more violent than i was there, living on the estate hardened me, and wont people see a difference when i venture back down there.
I dont want anything to do with the area to be honest, its scummy, including certain family members who live down there. But if it makes the parents happy then thats all that really matters isn't it.

Its not all been bad, i guess people are only really interested in the bad things.
November 30th: i have an interview at an old peoples home. I've always wanted to work with old people soo fingers crossed i get the job there.
I've apparently got the job in the hospital canteen washing dishes, but wont be starting there untill after christmas. Ohh and My christmas shopping is all done.

Im thinking about going for a walk, clearing my head.
I can't wait to go to work tomorrow, anything to be away from home is good right now.

Mwahh x

Stresses, Reflecting on past events, && my sister.

Hey.
Today has to have been one of the most uncomfortable days in a LONG time. I woke up to find my dad at home, my dad who is never around and who continues to work even though it's dangerous to himself and others. Yepp, there he was seeing the awful sight which is me in the morning, not plesant in the slightest. It was nice to see him though, something comforting about hearing him in the kitchen making tea and singing like he used to when i was younger. So i went out to look for some breakfast, there wasn't much, so i had an apple, with a dissaproving father tutting at me.
Getting dressed for the day ahead proved to be more of a challenge than i expected. I was feeling uncomfortable, and unable to crawl back under my covers because i know dad would not approve of how easy i give up. Soo i was in the bathroom getting ready, and my eyes went funny, double vision, then i was seeing spots, then nothing. A blackout. First one in a few months, I don't know what it is, i've had bloods taken and that didn't comeback with any explanations. Anyways i got back up and carried on as if nothing happened. Done my make up. Tidied my room, had lunch and made my way to a friends house, i havent seen her in two years, and felt the need for a catch up and have a cuddle with her baby girl. We had a long chat I was there for 4 hours, then realised the time and rushed home.
Dad had already left for work by the time i got home, I put a large pizza in the oven setting the challenge of eating it all and mum arrived, I didn't want the whole pizza and much to my liking mum agreed to sharing it with me :) Then off i went to the pub as i do every monday night.
But tonight was different. I've given up with dressing to impress the people i see and given up with layers of make up. So there i was in a tracksuit with just a small amount of eyeliner on and in comes michael with his girlfriend charlottes cousin, she is a bitch, and looks down at people. I hate people who judge people for the way they look ect, anyways she kept looking towards me. And as i walked passed to the toilet she said to Bobby "why are you going out with her you can do better" So there i was locked in the cubicle panicking. Lots of stuff going through my mind:
-" why is he with me"
-"Ria's right"
- "he can do a lot better"
20 minutes later i calmed myself down and came out of the toilet telling people i was on the phone for a while. Today hasn't been too great.
I've been uncomfortable and stressed and took alot of it out on Bobby with sarcastic comments. Every time he hugged me i felt repulsed, wondering what he actually sees in me, i couldn't bear him touching me, the thought of him feeling how fat i feel. I don't know, i told him not to hug me cause i was feeling frumpy and disgusting. He tried reassuring me. But the feelings just wont go away.
I got home, had a cold shower, exercised a little, done 100 sit ups and now here i am, in bed,hungry, but avoiding the kitchen because i don't want to binge.
I was talking to charlotte today at the pub after seeing an advert on the TV and came to realise it has been two years since my sister had the all clear from her cancer. One of the most scariest most heartbreaking moments in my life when all i could think about was my sister, 2 years ago was a time i was at my lowest weight, the stresses stopping me from eating, not having control over the situation made me control what i was eating instead. And there she is, my big sister, a perfect example of a fighter. a role model. I remember the day i recieved the news, i was picked up from school and asked to look after katelyn who was only 3 years old and to pick chloe up from school. tarina picked chloe and katelyn up and i was in the van with mum and my brother Patrick. Pat asked mum what was happening and that was when we heard the news. I held back the tears stayed strong. Played with the kids and knew they didn't understand what was going on, seeing them happy, completely oblivious made it hit home and there i was in the bathroom with my brother both crying. I lost all concentration in my sixth form studies and spent most of my time at kelly's because i was unaware of how severe it was or what might happen. every moment was crucial. Nothing else mattered. And to hear she had the all clear was the best thing to happen to me, she phoned me in RE and i asked if i could step outside and take the call. I came back to lesson crying but with a smile on my face, and alice who knew what was going on was there by my side telling me she knew it would be okay.

woahh, don't know what made me talk about kelly there but yeah she is my life. The one person in my family who understands me, and the stuff that i go through. She's been in the same sort of position has simillar scars on her arms, i've never asked how she got them, i just know. I think it may have been around the time Matt was killed. Her boyfriend of 2years, one moment he was there and when she was home from work he was gone. A decent lad taken away by some wasters, a brutal murder. She's happy now, but she will never forget matt, she still has the giant teddy he brought her, a few photo's and most of all memories.

Anyways this is getting deep and my mind is running overtime.. Better get off  too bed. but theres a little insight into part of my fucked up life. x x x

Drunk!!

Heyy...
Soo i've just got home from a firework display that finished at 8pm. its almost 2am!! Myself and the friends made a detour. Ant was driving, alice in the passenger seat and me bobby and sian in the back. Danny char and leah walked to the strand and we met them there after a trip to mcdonalds and a trip to tescos to buy MORE drink.
For once the alcohol hasn't left me feeling like shit. I've had the best night and feel amazing.
Soo we left from mine at 5pm. And took a 2hour walk along to gillingham after a few disasters. Bobbydropped my wine, the bag snapped and the wine smashed!! soo because im currently the love of his life, he went and brought me a HUGE bottle of lambrini.
We arrived at 7pm to find the best radio station. KMFM live at the Lines. soo there we were dancing and waiting for the fireworks to begin.
My nephew and his scumbag friends arrived and somehow myself and Bobby ended up going to the nearest off license to buy them drink.. UNDERAGE drinkers and there i was influencing them! as soon as they got the drink they fucked off. Aunty bex was not impressed!! :O
Alice and Ant arrived later completely missed the fireworks. We stood around drinking then headed off to the strand after the detour to McDonalds and Tescos. And soo many random events took place. We met some random group of people and joined their firework display, which were shit, but entertaining. Will upload the pics later. Then ant stripped to be wearing a morth suit, becoming SilverMan the local superhero (videos on youtube later).
Heading home was a disater. Question: How do you fit 7people in a 5 seater car. One of those small ones a corsa i think pmsl. Well we all managed to squeeze in. smallest sitting in the back on the floor between peoples legs. i ended up behind the drivers seat between Bobby;s legs. And i swear i thought we was all going to die. Ant was not drinking. But the weight in the back of the car was making the car tilt slightly more than it should when turning corners :/
Anyways I arrived home safely, But now im wide awake. listening to UB40 uploading pics onto facebook. Such an amazing night with the true friends. I spoke to Alice and Sian when we ran off.. who had been speaking to bobby alone. apparrently he told them he wants us to be serious and they say he truly loves me. I dont know. I've been out with some pricks in my time. He isn't one but i sometimes feel he is too nice.
Is it possible to be too nice? I dont know, but i must admit my feelings for him have grown a little since we first met. And i don't find it as much of a chore to see him.
Bobby and Char met me from work today where i brought baby clothes the sexiest wrapping paper EVER. its purple and sparkly and glitterfied!! How cool!! Also brought some more x-mas presents, yes, im so excited for christmas this year. More excited than i usually am.
Omg, i think i sprained my wrist or something.. i took a tumble after some hillarious attempts of taking a picture in a certain pose, i lost balnce and landed on my ass, wacking my hand on the ground as i landed. Painful but funny.
Soo much has gone on, pics up on facebook of the events, also videos to be uploaded to youtube soon.
Woahh i've been talking complete fucking rubbishh. And if anyone reads this i swear if you've read this far you're the best because i'd beb ored reading the crap i've written about haha!!

Lovee youu all millions. Mwahh.

Becca x x

Positives...

Heyy..
The past couple of days have been busy!! Monday night was the usual. A night at the pub, many games of pool, of course, I won a few im becoming quite the pro with these games. As usual i had a glass of coke at the pub remembering the effects drink has on me and listing the many reasons not to drink in my head.
Tuesday.. Boring, Stayed in doors most of the day, doing nothing and then had to go to Bobby's we watched paranormal activity which was complete rubbish, and then 'Rise of the foot soldior' which was about crazy football fans going around beating the crap out of people quite a messy film lots of blood, but not messy enough for my liking.
Wednesday.. I woke up early looking forward to a day out with Bobby, the lan was to go Ice Skating, Bowling and then for Dinner. Instead mum called me from work to tell me i had an interview that day at 2pm. Soo that was it plans cancelled. The interview went well. My future Boss a caterer seemed nice his name Mr. Kitchen, i can't forget that easily, just think of the place i'll be working in. Soo since yesterday i have been filling in so many forms. Another one to be taken in tomorrow. Anyways after the interview i got home and then off i went, Bowling.. I lost. i got a strike out of 3 games ONE strike, not good haha. Anyways after being a terrible loser we had a few games of Air Hockey, and i won, i warned i was amazing at the game, blagging of course and i won ;)
Today, Another trip to the hospital filling out forms. Then for some retail therapy. I picked out a few christmas presents for myself from mum, some new track suit bottoms, From the childrens bit because im too short :P and a few other bits and pieces. I love it! Then As usual thursday night is bingo night. We won £5 haha. Not often a winner but there it is.

So yeah thats it, not a complaint this week. No family arguments, Very few guilty feelings after meals. A lot of energy!! things have been good :)

Saturday Night, Bonfire night,  myself and a few others are heading off to the lines in gillingham, Taking a few bottles of something and watching the fireworks by a massive bonfire, the event happens at the lines every year and every year the fireworks look better :)  So thats something to look forward too

Anyways Off to catch up with eastenders. <3 x x