I told my dad i hate him and ran for the bathroom before he could get back at me. He has never hurt me physically, But there have been many times he has hurt me with his words!
Today i haven't eaten, I can't be dealing with food right now, that stresses me out enough. I woke up at 2pm, cause of the dog barking, she was trying to tell me leah was at the door, I woke up in a bad mood, no idea why but i just woke up and suddenly felt pissed off. Soo i was in the garden for the duration of leahs visit smoking. An hour later she finally left and i set to work doing what i was ask to do, turns out i'm not strong enough to do what i was asked...
Soo right now im locked in the bathroom with my laptop, shaking, and dreading to see how many black sacks he has filled with my things ready to go out to the bin men on monday.This all started over something i couldn't do, because i wasn't strong enough to lift a chest of draws over my bed and get it out of the way so dad could do something underneath the floor boards there he is in my room going crazy, telling me how much of a mess my room is and throwing things into bin liners!! My room waasn't a mess untill he got in there, because we had people over taking pictures of the house to put on the website of the company who are selling our house for us. I dont care about my things, i have nothing valuable but i care about my privacy. The one thing i dont get much of these days.
(1 hour later)...
Im out of the bathroom, Just had another shouting match with the beloved father!!
And actually chucked the binliners of things out of my room, 5 sacks of stuff. I told him to throw it all i dont care! Even added a few more things in there for him like my new CD player which he brought me, bits and pieces for the tv, the long mirror that hangs on the back of my bedroom door, books, CD's, Mainly things that he brought me.
Now im sitting in my room, the only noises i hear are the sounds of my fingers against the keys, my parents talking and the buzzing of the tv in the front room. I was supposed to be going to a friends 21st birthday party today, promised i would be there no matter what happened, and here i am breaking my promises. Its starting now, 7:30pm. I feel like such a let down but there is no way i could ask my parents to drive me to maidstone so i can go enjoy myself, the answer would be a resounding no. I can't afford a taxi there, and the busses stop running after a certain time. Soo i've phoned her and appologised as much as i could, I'll have to make it up to her somehow i guess.
I honestly feel alone right now, I cant talk to my parents cause they think im a spoilt undeserving child no doubt. I dont like to talk to my sister about things cause i usually just break down infront of her, And i cant talk to my brother cause well Tarina will be there and she just makes things worse anyways, She stirs things and makes a situation worse. Friends, well the very few friends i have are all out having a good time.
Oh and did i mention we are moving house soon. After 10years if living here, after making friends in the walderslade area, my mum has just decided she "never really felt at home here". So we are moving back toward White Road Estate, closer to family, closer to old friends that i pushed away over the years, closer to the place where i spent my childhood being bullied, or getting involved in fights where i would often come home with a black eye a bloody nose, some bruises. Im not looking forward to moving back there. Times have changed and im a lot more violent than i was there, living on the estate hardened me, and wont people see a difference when i venture back down there.
I dont want anything to do with the area to be honest, its scummy, including certain family members who live down there. But if it makes the parents happy then thats all that really matters isn't it.
Its not all been bad, i guess people are only really interested in the bad things.
November 30th: i have an interview at an old peoples home. I've always wanted to work with old people soo fingers crossed i get the job there.
I've apparently got the job in the hospital canteen washing dishes, but wont be starting there untill after christmas. Ohh and My christmas shopping is all done.
Im thinking about going for a walk, clearing my head.
I can't wait to go to work tomorrow, anything to be away from home is good right now.
Mwahh x
Friday, 19 November 2010
Monday, 8 November 2010
Stresses, Reflecting on past events, && my sister.
Hey.
Today has to have been one of the most uncomfortable days in a LONG time. I woke up to find my dad at home, my dad who is never around and who continues to work even though it's dangerous to himself and others. Yepp, there he was seeing the awful sight which is me in the morning, not plesant in the slightest. It was nice to see him though, something comforting about hearing him in the kitchen making tea and singing like he used to when i was younger. So i went out to look for some breakfast, there wasn't much, so i had an apple, with a dissaproving father tutting at me.
Getting dressed for the day ahead proved to be more of a challenge than i expected. I was feeling uncomfortable, and unable to crawl back under my covers because i know dad would not approve of how easy i give up. Soo i was in the bathroom getting ready, and my eyes went funny, double vision, then i was seeing spots, then nothing. A blackout. First one in a few months, I don't know what it is, i've had bloods taken and that didn't comeback with any explanations. Anyways i got back up and carried on as if nothing happened. Done my make up. Tidied my room, had lunch and made my way to a friends house, i havent seen her in two years, and felt the need for a catch up and have a cuddle with her baby girl. We had a long chat I was there for 4 hours, then realised the time and rushed home.
Dad had already left for work by the time i got home, I put a large pizza in the oven setting the challenge of eating it all and mum arrived, I didn't want the whole pizza and much to my liking mum agreed to sharing it with me :) Then off i went to the pub as i do every monday night.
But tonight was different. I've given up with dressing to impress the people i see and given up with layers of make up. So there i was in a tracksuit with just a small amount of eyeliner on and in comes michael with his girlfriend charlottes cousin, she is a bitch, and looks down at people. I hate people who judge people for the way they look ect, anyways she kept looking towards me. And as i walked passed to the toilet she said to Bobby "why are you going out with her you can do better" So there i was locked in the cubicle panicking. Lots of stuff going through my mind:
-" why is he with me"
-"Ria's right"
- "he can do a lot better"
20 minutes later i calmed myself down and came out of the toilet telling people i was on the phone for a while. Today hasn't been too great.
I've been uncomfortable and stressed and took alot of it out on Bobby with sarcastic comments. Every time he hugged me i felt repulsed, wondering what he actually sees in me, i couldn't bear him touching me, the thought of him feeling how fat i feel. I don't know, i told him not to hug me cause i was feeling frumpy and disgusting. He tried reassuring me. But the feelings just wont go away.
I got home, had a cold shower, exercised a little, done 100 sit ups and now here i am, in bed,hungry, but avoiding the kitchen because i don't want to binge.
I was talking to charlotte today at the pub after seeing an advert on the TV and came to realise it has been two years since my sister had the all clear from her cancer. One of the most scariest most heartbreaking moments in my life when all i could think about was my sister, 2 years ago was a time i was at my lowest weight, the stresses stopping me from eating, not having control over the situation made me control what i was eating instead. And there she is, my big sister, a perfect example of a fighter. a role model. I remember the day i recieved the news, i was picked up from school and asked to look after katelyn who was only 3 years old and to pick chloe up from school. tarina picked chloe and katelyn up and i was in the van with mum and my brother Patrick. Pat asked mum what was happening and that was when we heard the news. I held back the tears stayed strong. Played with the kids and knew they didn't understand what was going on, seeing them happy, completely oblivious made it hit home and there i was in the bathroom with my brother both crying. I lost all concentration in my sixth form studies and spent most of my time at kelly's because i was unaware of how severe it was or what might happen. every moment was crucial. Nothing else mattered. And to hear she had the all clear was the best thing to happen to me, she phoned me in RE and i asked if i could step outside and take the call. I came back to lesson crying but with a smile on my face, and alice who knew what was going on was there by my side telling me she knew it would be okay.
woahh, don't know what made me talk about kelly there but yeah she is my life. The one person in my family who understands me, and the stuff that i go through. She's been in the same sort of position has simillar scars on her arms, i've never asked how she got them, i just know. I think it may have been around the time Matt was killed. Her boyfriend of 2years, one moment he was there and when she was home from work he was gone. A decent lad taken away by some wasters, a brutal murder. She's happy now, but she will never forget matt, she still has the giant teddy he brought her, a few photo's and most of all memories.
Anyways this is getting deep and my mind is running overtime.. Better get off too bed. but theres a little insight into part of my fucked up life. x x x
Today has to have been one of the most uncomfortable days in a LONG time. I woke up to find my dad at home, my dad who is never around and who continues to work even though it's dangerous to himself and others. Yepp, there he was seeing the awful sight which is me in the morning, not plesant in the slightest. It was nice to see him though, something comforting about hearing him in the kitchen making tea and singing like he used to when i was younger. So i went out to look for some breakfast, there wasn't much, so i had an apple, with a dissaproving father tutting at me.
Getting dressed for the day ahead proved to be more of a challenge than i expected. I was feeling uncomfortable, and unable to crawl back under my covers because i know dad would not approve of how easy i give up. Soo i was in the bathroom getting ready, and my eyes went funny, double vision, then i was seeing spots, then nothing. A blackout. First one in a few months, I don't know what it is, i've had bloods taken and that didn't comeback with any explanations. Anyways i got back up and carried on as if nothing happened. Done my make up. Tidied my room, had lunch and made my way to a friends house, i havent seen her in two years, and felt the need for a catch up and have a cuddle with her baby girl. We had a long chat I was there for 4 hours, then realised the time and rushed home.
Dad had already left for work by the time i got home, I put a large pizza in the oven setting the challenge of eating it all and mum arrived, I didn't want the whole pizza and much to my liking mum agreed to sharing it with me :) Then off i went to the pub as i do every monday night.
But tonight was different. I've given up with dressing to impress the people i see and given up with layers of make up. So there i was in a tracksuit with just a small amount of eyeliner on and in comes michael with his girlfriend charlottes cousin, she is a bitch, and looks down at people. I hate people who judge people for the way they look ect, anyways she kept looking towards me. And as i walked passed to the toilet she said to Bobby "why are you going out with her you can do better" So there i was locked in the cubicle panicking. Lots of stuff going through my mind:
-" why is he with me"
-"Ria's right"
- "he can do a lot better"
20 minutes later i calmed myself down and came out of the toilet telling people i was on the phone for a while. Today hasn't been too great.
I've been uncomfortable and stressed and took alot of it out on Bobby with sarcastic comments. Every time he hugged me i felt repulsed, wondering what he actually sees in me, i couldn't bear him touching me, the thought of him feeling how fat i feel. I don't know, i told him not to hug me cause i was feeling frumpy and disgusting. He tried reassuring me. But the feelings just wont go away.
I got home, had a cold shower, exercised a little, done 100 sit ups and now here i am, in bed,hungry, but avoiding the kitchen because i don't want to binge.
I was talking to charlotte today at the pub after seeing an advert on the TV and came to realise it has been two years since my sister had the all clear from her cancer. One of the most scariest most heartbreaking moments in my life when all i could think about was my sister, 2 years ago was a time i was at my lowest weight, the stresses stopping me from eating, not having control over the situation made me control what i was eating instead. And there she is, my big sister, a perfect example of a fighter. a role model. I remember the day i recieved the news, i was picked up from school and asked to look after katelyn who was only 3 years old and to pick chloe up from school. tarina picked chloe and katelyn up and i was in the van with mum and my brother Patrick. Pat asked mum what was happening and that was when we heard the news. I held back the tears stayed strong. Played with the kids and knew they didn't understand what was going on, seeing them happy, completely oblivious made it hit home and there i was in the bathroom with my brother both crying. I lost all concentration in my sixth form studies and spent most of my time at kelly's because i was unaware of how severe it was or what might happen. every moment was crucial. Nothing else mattered. And to hear she had the all clear was the best thing to happen to me, she phoned me in RE and i asked if i could step outside and take the call. I came back to lesson crying but with a smile on my face, and alice who knew what was going on was there by my side telling me she knew it would be okay.
woahh, don't know what made me talk about kelly there but yeah she is my life. The one person in my family who understands me, and the stuff that i go through. She's been in the same sort of position has simillar scars on her arms, i've never asked how she got them, i just know. I think it may have been around the time Matt was killed. Her boyfriend of 2years, one moment he was there and when she was home from work he was gone. A decent lad taken away by some wasters, a brutal murder. She's happy now, but she will never forget matt, she still has the giant teddy he brought her, a few photo's and most of all memories.
Anyways this is getting deep and my mind is running overtime.. Better get off too bed. but theres a little insight into part of my fucked up life. x x x
Saturday, 6 November 2010
Drunk!!
Heyy...
Soo i've just got home from a firework display that finished at 8pm. its almost 2am!! Myself and the friends made a detour. Ant was driving, alice in the passenger seat and me bobby and sian in the back. Danny char and leah walked to the strand and we met them there after a trip to mcdonalds and a trip to tescos to buy MORE drink.
For once the alcohol hasn't left me feeling like shit. I've had the best night and feel amazing.
Soo we left from mine at 5pm. And took a 2hour walk along to gillingham after a few disasters. Bobbydropped my wine, the bag snapped and the wine smashed!! soo because im currently the love of his life, he went and brought me a HUGE bottle of lambrini.
We arrived at 7pm to find the best radio station. KMFM live at the Lines. soo there we were dancing and waiting for the fireworks to begin.
My nephew and his scumbag friends arrived and somehow myself and Bobby ended up going to the nearest off license to buy them drink.. UNDERAGE drinkers and there i was influencing them! as soon as they got the drink they fucked off. Aunty bex was not impressed!! :O
Alice and Ant arrived later completely missed the fireworks. We stood around drinking then headed off to the strand after the detour to McDonalds and Tescos. And soo many random events took place. We met some random group of people and joined their firework display, which were shit, but entertaining. Will upload the pics later. Then ant stripped to be wearing a morth suit, becoming SilverMan the local superhero (videos on youtube later).
Heading home was a disater. Question: How do you fit 7people in a 5 seater car. One of those small ones a corsa i think pmsl. Well we all managed to squeeze in. smallest sitting in the back on the floor between peoples legs. i ended up behind the drivers seat between Bobby;s legs. And i swear i thought we was all going to die. Ant was not drinking. But the weight in the back of the car was making the car tilt slightly more than it should when turning corners :/
Anyways I arrived home safely, But now im wide awake. listening to UB40 uploading pics onto facebook. Such an amazing night with the true friends. I spoke to Alice and Sian when we ran off.. who had been speaking to bobby alone. apparrently he told them he wants us to be serious and they say he truly loves me. I dont know. I've been out with some pricks in my time. He isn't one but i sometimes feel he is too nice.
Is it possible to be too nice? I dont know, but i must admit my feelings for him have grown a little since we first met. And i don't find it as much of a chore to see him.
Bobby and Char met me from work today where i brought baby clothes the sexiest wrapping paper EVER. its purple and sparkly and glitterfied!! How cool!! Also brought some more x-mas presents, yes, im so excited for christmas this year. More excited than i usually am.
Omg, i think i sprained my wrist or something.. i took a tumble after some hillarious attempts of taking a picture in a certain pose, i lost balnce and landed on my ass, wacking my hand on the ground as i landed. Painful but funny.
Soo much has gone on, pics up on facebook of the events, also videos to be uploaded to youtube soon.
Woahh i've been talking complete fucking rubbishh. And if anyone reads this i swear if you've read this far you're the best because i'd beb ored reading the crap i've written about haha!!
Lovee youu all millions. Mwahh.
Becca x x
Soo i've just got home from a firework display that finished at 8pm. its almost 2am!! Myself and the friends made a detour. Ant was driving, alice in the passenger seat and me bobby and sian in the back. Danny char and leah walked to the strand and we met them there after a trip to mcdonalds and a trip to tescos to buy MORE drink.
For once the alcohol hasn't left me feeling like shit. I've had the best night and feel amazing.
Soo we left from mine at 5pm. And took a 2hour walk along to gillingham after a few disasters. Bobbydropped my wine, the bag snapped and the wine smashed!! soo because im currently the love of his life, he went and brought me a HUGE bottle of lambrini.
We arrived at 7pm to find the best radio station. KMFM live at the Lines. soo there we were dancing and waiting for the fireworks to begin.
My nephew and his scumbag friends arrived and somehow myself and Bobby ended up going to the nearest off license to buy them drink.. UNDERAGE drinkers and there i was influencing them! as soon as they got the drink they fucked off. Aunty bex was not impressed!! :O
Alice and Ant arrived later completely missed the fireworks. We stood around drinking then headed off to the strand after the detour to McDonalds and Tescos. And soo many random events took place. We met some random group of people and joined their firework display, which were shit, but entertaining. Will upload the pics later. Then ant stripped to be wearing a morth suit, becoming SilverMan the local superhero (videos on youtube later).
Heading home was a disater. Question: How do you fit 7people in a 5 seater car. One of those small ones a corsa i think pmsl. Well we all managed to squeeze in. smallest sitting in the back on the floor between peoples legs. i ended up behind the drivers seat between Bobby;s legs. And i swear i thought we was all going to die. Ant was not drinking. But the weight in the back of the car was making the car tilt slightly more than it should when turning corners :/
Anyways I arrived home safely, But now im wide awake. listening to UB40 uploading pics onto facebook. Such an amazing night with the true friends. I spoke to Alice and Sian when we ran off.. who had been speaking to bobby alone. apparrently he told them he wants us to be serious and they say he truly loves me. I dont know. I've been out with some pricks in my time. He isn't one but i sometimes feel he is too nice.
Is it possible to be too nice? I dont know, but i must admit my feelings for him have grown a little since we first met. And i don't find it as much of a chore to see him.
Bobby and Char met me from work today where i brought baby clothes the sexiest wrapping paper EVER. its purple and sparkly and glitterfied!! How cool!! Also brought some more x-mas presents, yes, im so excited for christmas this year. More excited than i usually am.
Omg, i think i sprained my wrist or something.. i took a tumble after some hillarious attempts of taking a picture in a certain pose, i lost balnce and landed on my ass, wacking my hand on the ground as i landed. Painful but funny.
Soo much has gone on, pics up on facebook of the events, also videos to be uploaded to youtube soon.
Woahh i've been talking complete fucking rubbishh. And if anyone reads this i swear if you've read this far you're the best because i'd beb ored reading the crap i've written about haha!!
Lovee youu all millions. Mwahh.
Becca x x
Thursday, 4 November 2010
Positives...
Heyy..
The past couple of days have been busy!! Monday night was the usual. A night at the pub, many games of pool, of course, I won a few im becoming quite the pro with these games. As usual i had a glass of coke at the pub remembering the effects drink has on me and listing the many reasons not to drink in my head.
Tuesday.. Boring, Stayed in doors most of the day, doing nothing and then had to go to Bobby's we watched paranormal activity which was complete rubbish, and then 'Rise of the foot soldior' which was about crazy football fans going around beating the crap out of people quite a messy film lots of blood, but not messy enough for my liking.
Wednesday.. I woke up early looking forward to a day out with Bobby, the lan was to go Ice Skating, Bowling and then for Dinner. Instead mum called me from work to tell me i had an interview that day at 2pm. Soo that was it plans cancelled. The interview went well. My future Boss a caterer seemed nice his name Mr. Kitchen, i can't forget that easily, just think of the place i'll be working in. Soo since yesterday i have been filling in so many forms. Another one to be taken in tomorrow. Anyways after the interview i got home and then off i went, Bowling.. I lost. i got a strike out of 3 games ONE strike, not good haha. Anyways after being a terrible loser we had a few games of Air Hockey, and i won, i warned i was amazing at the game, blagging of course and i won ;)
Today, Another trip to the hospital filling out forms. Then for some retail therapy. I picked out a few christmas presents for myself from mum, some new track suit bottoms, From the childrens bit because im too short :P and a few other bits and pieces. I love it! Then As usual thursday night is bingo night. We won £5 haha. Not often a winner but there it is.
So yeah thats it, not a complaint this week. No family arguments, Very few guilty feelings after meals. A lot of energy!! things have been good :)
Saturday Night, Bonfire night, myself and a few others are heading off to the lines in gillingham, Taking a few bottles of something and watching the fireworks by a massive bonfire, the event happens at the lines every year and every year the fireworks look better :) So thats something to look forward too
Anyways Off to catch up with eastenders. <3 x x
The past couple of days have been busy!! Monday night was the usual. A night at the pub, many games of pool, of course, I won a few im becoming quite the pro with these games. As usual i had a glass of coke at the pub remembering the effects drink has on me and listing the many reasons not to drink in my head.
Tuesday.. Boring, Stayed in doors most of the day, doing nothing and then had to go to Bobby's we watched paranormal activity which was complete rubbish, and then 'Rise of the foot soldior' which was about crazy football fans going around beating the crap out of people quite a messy film lots of blood, but not messy enough for my liking.
Wednesday.. I woke up early looking forward to a day out with Bobby, the lan was to go Ice Skating, Bowling and then for Dinner. Instead mum called me from work to tell me i had an interview that day at 2pm. Soo that was it plans cancelled. The interview went well. My future Boss a caterer seemed nice his name Mr. Kitchen, i can't forget that easily, just think of the place i'll be working in. Soo since yesterday i have been filling in so many forms. Another one to be taken in tomorrow. Anyways after the interview i got home and then off i went, Bowling.. I lost. i got a strike out of 3 games ONE strike, not good haha. Anyways after being a terrible loser we had a few games of Air Hockey, and i won, i warned i was amazing at the game, blagging of course and i won ;)
Today, Another trip to the hospital filling out forms. Then for some retail therapy. I picked out a few christmas presents for myself from mum, some new track suit bottoms, From the childrens bit because im too short :P and a few other bits and pieces. I love it! Then As usual thursday night is bingo night. We won £5 haha. Not often a winner but there it is.
So yeah thats it, not a complaint this week. No family arguments, Very few guilty feelings after meals. A lot of energy!! things have been good :)
Saturday Night, Bonfire night, myself and a few others are heading off to the lines in gillingham, Taking a few bottles of something and watching the fireworks by a massive bonfire, the event happens at the lines every year and every year the fireworks look better :) So thats something to look forward too
Anyways Off to catch up with eastenders. <3 x x
Monday, 1 November 2010
Nightmares. and an update.
Hey, its 2AM and i'm wide awake due to yet another nightmare. Every night for atleast a week maybe more i've been having nightmares, vivid ones where everything seems so real, and in everyone i've been close to death, always waking up just before i die. So tonight i dreamt of being at the top of my roa by a table, oyou know like those old wooden ones with the metal frames they usually have in school canteens? yeah well it was myself Charlotte and two dark figures standing by the table on my road, the sound of what i thought was thunder and lightning and then looking up to see hundreds of planes in the sky dropping bombs, it was a modern day blitz, as the bomb dropped i awoke. Last night was similar, noises, a flash of light, myself on deaths door, and then i wake up. The two dream catchers above my bed, yeah i guess they don't work as good as they used to.
It seems that the nightmares only come when i'm nervous about something. I've been worrying about having dinner at Bobby's house. Its hard enough eating with my own parents let alone somebody elses parents. I don't want to tell him how worried I am about eating infront of them because I know it sounds stupid, but to me it is a big deal. I hoped he had forgotten about it, but whilst at the pub tonight on a winning streak at pool Undefeated 4 times in a row he mentioned dinner, Winning streak, Gone.
Today I was left with the simple task of cooking dinner for my parents. An attempt to get back into dad's good books. Bearing in mind i have never roasted a potato in my life i thought i was doing fantastic. Roast potao's with meat pie, peas and gravy. I put the potato's on to boil for 10 minutes like my instructions told me and then put them in the oven alongside the meat pie. Dad came home - not impressed, he looked in the oven and complained because the potato's had crumbled and wern't in great condition. So i had to explain that i never imagined myself cooking potato's or meat pie, because i don't eat them so don't know how to make them, and so he should be greatful that i attempted to cook, of course he was in a bad mood as he usually is when he comes home from work, and was crashing about in the kitchen. Mum came home and congratulated me on how well i had done, then dad opens his mouth telling her how the potato's " look like shit, are all crumbled and i shouldn't be trusted in the kitchen." my reply, "well if u dont like it don't fucking eat it!" then off i went to Charlottes to meet her for pub night. I got out of there before an argument could form.
Charlotte, not in a good mood! Two of her fags had gone missing so straight away she accused her brother who wouldn't even know how to spark up a fag let alone smoke one! then laid into his "freak of a girl friend" saying how he probably stole them for her when he should "steal a knife for the emo freak" instead. I swear i've never seen her in a mood like it before in my life. she even cried because nobody would own up to stealing her fags! As we left her house for the pub sSian and Leah were walking up to meet us, charlottes reaction "Excellent that fat bitch (meaning leah) is joining us at the pub!" her and leah hate eachother after an argument over plans for my birthday, its pathetic and they hate eachother over it. I had nothing to do with the plans, it was supposed to be a suprise but i found out because of charlotte and now leah hates her. So the pub wasn't too great, and i wasn't drinking because that seems to cause most of the problems for me. The group seemed to split in half. I won at pool 4 times :) Had a chat with the land lady who was talking about vegetarian breakfasts, and applying fake tattoo's of halloweeny stuff. and then walked Sian home, then Bobby walked me home, when i was quite capable of walking myself 20mins down the road.
Yesterday (Halloween) my parents and I had dinner at my brothers, I had a small pizza while they tucked into their roast dinners. Then my sister in-law showed me my bridesmaid dress for when they renew their vows in the dominican, i told her how much i disliked it and didn't want to look like a giant lampshade in the holiday snaps, she took offence but i dont really care cause i don't like her anyways. After insulting the dress, mum dropped me at my sisters where i dressed up to take my nieces trick or treating, my sister doesn't like taking them on her own so every year i offer to go with her. The mask was pretty cool, she made them herself. The kid's filled their treat bucket up to the point where things were falling out and ended up being stuffed in pockets instead.
Wednesday Bobby is taking me out, i know we are going ice skating, and that he wants to take me somewhere else and then to dinner, I don't want dinner out, i'd rather sit at home with a bowl of pasta or something but he wont take no for an answer because he wants to try and "help" me. I love ice skating so i'm quite looking forward to it but dinner doesn't sound too fun.
I've been feeling quite stressed out over things, parents are the main thing, but things have been getting to me way to much and emotions have been running high. I think the only thing i dont seem to have a problem with is the relationship between myself and Bobby, he isn't clingy anymore and we hhave more to talk about so it doesn't feel like its just me talking all of the time. I managed to have a decent conversation with my nephew yesterday where he spoke to me like his aunt and not one of his boys. He speaks like the typical scum bags of chatham and thinks that makes him cool. But yesterday we sat in the kitchen drinking coffee and talking about the few good times we've had and how even though he doesn't show it much he does actually respect me, i was shocked at our little heart to heart and intend to pretend like it never happened just so his street cred remains intact.
I'm not looking forward to tomorrow (tuesday), spending the day alone, and dinner with bobby. Im sensing a disaster waiting to happen but i guess, the day will only turn out the way i make it happen, soo some positive thoughts would be appreciated.
Im tired, but afraid to sleep, i don't want another bad dream. :/ x x
It seems that the nightmares only come when i'm nervous about something. I've been worrying about having dinner at Bobby's house. Its hard enough eating with my own parents let alone somebody elses parents. I don't want to tell him how worried I am about eating infront of them because I know it sounds stupid, but to me it is a big deal. I hoped he had forgotten about it, but whilst at the pub tonight on a winning streak at pool Undefeated 4 times in a row he mentioned dinner, Winning streak, Gone.
Today I was left with the simple task of cooking dinner for my parents. An attempt to get back into dad's good books. Bearing in mind i have never roasted a potato in my life i thought i was doing fantastic. Roast potao's with meat pie, peas and gravy. I put the potato's on to boil for 10 minutes like my instructions told me and then put them in the oven alongside the meat pie. Dad came home - not impressed, he looked in the oven and complained because the potato's had crumbled and wern't in great condition. So i had to explain that i never imagined myself cooking potato's or meat pie, because i don't eat them so don't know how to make them, and so he should be greatful that i attempted to cook, of course he was in a bad mood as he usually is when he comes home from work, and was crashing about in the kitchen. Mum came home and congratulated me on how well i had done, then dad opens his mouth telling her how the potato's " look like shit, are all crumbled and i shouldn't be trusted in the kitchen." my reply, "well if u dont like it don't fucking eat it!" then off i went to Charlottes to meet her for pub night. I got out of there before an argument could form.
Charlotte, not in a good mood! Two of her fags had gone missing so straight away she accused her brother who wouldn't even know how to spark up a fag let alone smoke one! then laid into his "freak of a girl friend" saying how he probably stole them for her when he should "steal a knife for the emo freak" instead. I swear i've never seen her in a mood like it before in my life. she even cried because nobody would own up to stealing her fags! As we left her house for the pub sSian and Leah were walking up to meet us, charlottes reaction "Excellent that fat bitch (meaning leah) is joining us at the pub!" her and leah hate eachother after an argument over plans for my birthday, its pathetic and they hate eachother over it. I had nothing to do with the plans, it was supposed to be a suprise but i found out because of charlotte and now leah hates her. So the pub wasn't too great, and i wasn't drinking because that seems to cause most of the problems for me. The group seemed to split in half. I won at pool 4 times :) Had a chat with the land lady who was talking about vegetarian breakfasts, and applying fake tattoo's of halloweeny stuff. and then walked Sian home, then Bobby walked me home, when i was quite capable of walking myself 20mins down the road.
Yesterday (Halloween) my parents and I had dinner at my brothers, I had a small pizza while they tucked into their roast dinners. Then my sister in-law showed me my bridesmaid dress for when they renew their vows in the dominican, i told her how much i disliked it and didn't want to look like a giant lampshade in the holiday snaps, she took offence but i dont really care cause i don't like her anyways. After insulting the dress, mum dropped me at my sisters where i dressed up to take my nieces trick or treating, my sister doesn't like taking them on her own so every year i offer to go with her. The mask was pretty cool, she made them herself. The kid's filled their treat bucket up to the point where things were falling out and ended up being stuffed in pockets instead.
Wednesday Bobby is taking me out, i know we are going ice skating, and that he wants to take me somewhere else and then to dinner, I don't want dinner out, i'd rather sit at home with a bowl of pasta or something but he wont take no for an answer because he wants to try and "help" me. I love ice skating so i'm quite looking forward to it but dinner doesn't sound too fun.
I've been feeling quite stressed out over things, parents are the main thing, but things have been getting to me way to much and emotions have been running high. I think the only thing i dont seem to have a problem with is the relationship between myself and Bobby, he isn't clingy anymore and we hhave more to talk about so it doesn't feel like its just me talking all of the time. I managed to have a decent conversation with my nephew yesterday where he spoke to me like his aunt and not one of his boys. He speaks like the typical scum bags of chatham and thinks that makes him cool. But yesterday we sat in the kitchen drinking coffee and talking about the few good times we've had and how even though he doesn't show it much he does actually respect me, i was shocked at our little heart to heart and intend to pretend like it never happened just so his street cred remains intact.
I'm not looking forward to tomorrow (tuesday), spending the day alone, and dinner with bobby. Im sensing a disaster waiting to happen but i guess, the day will only turn out the way i make it happen, soo some positive thoughts would be appreciated.
Im tired, but afraid to sleep, i don't want another bad dream. :/ x x
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