Hey, its 2AM and i'm wide awake due to yet another nightmare. Every night for atleast a week maybe more i've been having nightmares, vivid ones where everything seems so real, and in everyone i've been close to death, always waking up just before i die. So tonight i dreamt of being at the top of my roa by a table, oyou know like those old wooden ones with the metal frames they usually have in school canteens? yeah well it was myself Charlotte and two dark figures standing by the table on my road, the sound of what i thought was thunder and lightning and then looking up to see hundreds of planes in the sky dropping bombs, it was a modern day blitz, as the bomb dropped i awoke. Last night was similar, noises, a flash of light, myself on deaths door, and then i wake up. The two dream catchers above my bed, yeah i guess they don't work as good as they used to.
It seems that the nightmares only come when i'm nervous about something. I've been worrying about having dinner at Bobby's house. Its hard enough eating with my own parents let alone somebody elses parents. I don't want to tell him how worried I am about eating infront of them because I know it sounds stupid, but to me it is a big deal. I hoped he had forgotten about it, but whilst at the pub tonight on a winning streak at pool Undefeated 4 times in a row he mentioned dinner, Winning streak, Gone.
Today I was left with the simple task of cooking dinner for my parents. An attempt to get back into dad's good books. Bearing in mind i have never roasted a potato in my life i thought i was doing fantastic. Roast potao's with meat pie, peas and gravy. I put the potato's on to boil for 10 minutes like my instructions told me and then put them in the oven alongside the meat pie. Dad came home - not impressed, he looked in the oven and complained because the potato's had crumbled and wern't in great condition. So i had to explain that i never imagined myself cooking potato's or meat pie, because i don't eat them so don't know how to make them, and so he should be greatful that i attempted to cook, of course he was in a bad mood as he usually is when he comes home from work, and was crashing about in the kitchen. Mum came home and congratulated me on how well i had done, then dad opens his mouth telling her how the potato's " look like shit, are all crumbled and i shouldn't be trusted in the kitchen." my reply, "well if u dont like it don't fucking eat it!" then off i went to Charlottes to meet her for pub night. I got out of there before an argument could form.
Charlotte, not in a good mood! Two of her fags had gone missing so straight away she accused her brother who wouldn't even know how to spark up a fag let alone smoke one! then laid into his "freak of a girl friend" saying how he probably stole them for her when he should "steal a knife for the emo freak" instead. I swear i've never seen her in a mood like it before in my life. she even cried because nobody would own up to stealing her fags! As we left her house for the pub sSian and Leah were walking up to meet us, charlottes reaction "Excellent that fat bitch (meaning leah) is joining us at the pub!" her and leah hate eachother after an argument over plans for my birthday, its pathetic and they hate eachother over it. I had nothing to do with the plans, it was supposed to be a suprise but i found out because of charlotte and now leah hates her. So the pub wasn't too great, and i wasn't drinking because that seems to cause most of the problems for me. The group seemed to split in half. I won at pool 4 times :) Had a chat with the land lady who was talking about vegetarian breakfasts, and applying fake tattoo's of halloweeny stuff. and then walked Sian home, then Bobby walked me home, when i was quite capable of walking myself 20mins down the road.
Yesterday (Halloween) my parents and I had dinner at my brothers, I had a small pizza while they tucked into their roast dinners. Then my sister in-law showed me my bridesmaid dress for when they renew their vows in the dominican, i told her how much i disliked it and didn't want to look like a giant lampshade in the holiday snaps, she took offence but i dont really care cause i don't like her anyways. After insulting the dress, mum dropped me at my sisters where i dressed up to take my nieces trick or treating, my sister doesn't like taking them on her own so every year i offer to go with her. The mask was pretty cool, she made them herself. The kid's filled their treat bucket up to the point where things were falling out and ended up being stuffed in pockets instead.
Wednesday Bobby is taking me out, i know we are going ice skating, and that he wants to take me somewhere else and then to dinner, I don't want dinner out, i'd rather sit at home with a bowl of pasta or something but he wont take no for an answer because he wants to try and "help" me. I love ice skating so i'm quite looking forward to it but dinner doesn't sound too fun.
I've been feeling quite stressed out over things, parents are the main thing, but things have been getting to me way to much and emotions have been running high. I think the only thing i dont seem to have a problem with is the relationship between myself and Bobby, he isn't clingy anymore and we hhave more to talk about so it doesn't feel like its just me talking all of the time. I managed to have a decent conversation with my nephew yesterday where he spoke to me like his aunt and not one of his boys. He speaks like the typical scum bags of chatham and thinks that makes him cool. But yesterday we sat in the kitchen drinking coffee and talking about the few good times we've had and how even though he doesn't show it much he does actually respect me, i was shocked at our little heart to heart and intend to pretend like it never happened just so his street cred remains intact.
I'm not looking forward to tomorrow (tuesday), spending the day alone, and dinner with bobby. Im sensing a disaster waiting to happen but i guess, the day will only turn out the way i make it happen, soo some positive thoughts would be appreciated.
Im tired, but afraid to sleep, i don't want another bad dream. :/ x x
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