Dad, the catalyst to most things (AGAIN) :(

I told my dad i hate him and ran for the bathroom before he could get back at me. He has never hurt me physically, But there have been many times he has hurt me with his words!

Today i haven't eaten, I can't be dealing with food right now, that stresses me out enough. I woke up at 2pm, cause of the dog barking, she was trying to tell me leah was at the door, I woke up in a bad mood, no idea why but i just woke up and suddenly felt pissed off. Soo i was in the garden for the duration of leahs visit smoking. An hour later she finally left and i set to work doing what i was ask to do, turns out i'm not strong enough to do what i was asked...

Soo right now im locked in the bathroom with my laptop, shaking, and dreading to see how many black sacks he has filled with my things ready to go out to the bin men on monday.This all started over something i couldn't do, because i wasn't strong enough to lift a chest of draws over my bed and get it out of the way so dad could do something underneath the floor boards there he is in my room going crazy, telling me how much of a mess my room is and throwing things into bin liners!! My room waasn't a mess untill he got in there, because we had people over taking pictures of the house to put on the website of the company who are selling our house for us. I dont care about my things, i have nothing valuable but i care about my privacy. The one thing i dont get much of these days.

(1 hour later)...

Im out of the bathroom, Just had another shouting match with the beloved father!!
And actually chucked the binliners of things out of my room, 5 sacks of stuff. I told him to throw it all i dont care! Even added a few more things in there for him like my new CD player which he brought me, bits and pieces for the tv, the long mirror that hangs on the back of my bedroom door, books, CD's, Mainly things that he brought me.

Now im sitting in my room, the only noises i hear are the sounds of my fingers against the keys, my parents talking and the buzzing of the tv in the front room. I was supposed to be going to a friends 21st birthday party today, promised i would be there no matter what happened, and here i am breaking my promises. Its starting now, 7:30pm. I feel like such a let down but there is no way i could ask my parents to drive me to maidstone so i can go enjoy myself, the answer would be a resounding no. I can't afford a taxi there, and the busses stop running after a certain time. Soo i've phoned her and appologised as much as i could, I'll have to make it up to her somehow i guess.

I honestly feel alone right now, I cant talk to my parents cause they think im a spoilt undeserving child no doubt. I dont like to talk to my sister about things cause i usually just break down infront of her, And i cant talk to my brother cause well Tarina will be there and she just makes things worse anyways, She stirs things and makes a situation worse. Friends, well the very few friends i have are all out having a good time.

Oh and did i mention we are moving house soon. After 10years if living here, after making friends in the walderslade area, my mum has just decided she "never really felt at home here". So we are moving back toward White Road Estate, closer to family, closer to old friends that i pushed away over the years, closer to the place where i spent my childhood being bullied, or getting involved in fights where i would often come home with a black eye a bloody nose, some bruises. Im not looking forward to moving back there. Times have changed and im a lot more violent than i was there, living on the estate hardened me, and wont people see a difference when i venture back down there.
I dont want anything to do with the area to be honest, its scummy, including certain family members who live down there. But if it makes the parents happy then thats all that really matters isn't it.

Its not all been bad, i guess people are only really interested in the bad things.
November 30th: i have an interview at an old peoples home. I've always wanted to work with old people soo fingers crossed i get the job there.
I've apparently got the job in the hospital canteen washing dishes, but wont be starting there untill after christmas. Ohh and My christmas shopping is all done.

Im thinking about going for a walk, clearing my head.
I can't wait to go to work tomorrow, anything to be away from home is good right now.

Mwahh x