Struggles..

Okay so apparently im selfish, because i wouldn't go shopping today to help a "friend" pick a costume for fancy dress at casino's tonight, then im even more selfish because i'm not going to casino's.  This is the friend that turned to me one day in tears saying how i've let things get to far and that she would be there no matter what, Well today im struggling and i need her.
I need someone, my parents aren't home and they wouldn't understand anyways. I've tried to keep myself busy tried to do what mum asked in her note (she leaves me a note every friday) :

" Rebecca,
Please make sure you have breakfast today, and also lunch! Theres some chocolate in the fridge for you too,
Dinkey told me she needs to go for a walk so can you do that too, and also bring the clothes in off the line IF it rains. I'll see you when i get home from work, will bring pizza with me.
Love Mum. x"

I usually love notes from mum on a friday, but today i've ignored most things she asked. Breakfast - No. Lunch - No. Chocolates still in the fridge, it can stay there!! Dinkeys been walked and there hasn't been any rain as of yet so the washing can stay on the line. I've tidied the kitchen it smells like cleaning stuff, also the bathroom smells like bleach and various other cleaning products. I poured a bottle of vodka down the sink because i was thinking of drinking it, i know it would only cause a lot of problems soo thats gone now. I polished the front room, dining room, the bedrooms. Ran the hoover around the house. The hoovers heavy soo i struggled to push that around the house.
I sat and smoked on the front door step, had a conversation with the little old lady next door (im yet to learn her name) she was coming home from somewhere and asked if i had been to hers and done her housework, joking of course, but i offered anyways - maybe a kind deed for the day might have cheered me up. She said no its okay and of she went into her house.

I wish i could drive, I would fill my tank with petrol and drive. Just keep driving, maybe to the beach.. the sound of waves crashing against the rocks sounds quite nice. I'd drive anywhere really, just to get away.
Pay day soon, maybe i can convince my uncle to let me rent his caravan for a few days, some time alone, i mean completely ALONE will do me good.

Charlotte has just text me, asked me to help her get ready for tonight, shes going casino's too. She didn't invite me, she knows i can't face it, she doesn't know whats going on with me, she just knows that i have good when things arent good and today is one of those days. I text back of course but turned down her offer of helping her get ready, wished her a good night and left it at that.  I'm meant to be going for a meal with her and Dan tomorrow. Dan pisses me off, his comments just get to me so easily even if he is only joking about things they still affect me. Anyways im not going, Not because i can't face food, simply just because i can not afford it.

Mum came into my room last night, i was getting ready for bed but she came in to appologise for her coment about me possibly being pregnant. She looked at me in a way she's never looked at me before and I knew what she was looking at. She was looking at my scars, probably having flashbacks from the happenings of that eventful night. So i asked her nicely to leave so i could finishe getting ready for bed.

Dad, keeps asking me about Bobby, and why i have only seen him twice this week, i swear a long distance relationship would suit me just fine right now. He's a lovely boy, but siometimes i think he's too nice and feel as if i dont deserve that. I've never been with anyone like him. My first ever propper boyfriend, he cheated on me, got a girl pregnant and denied it all, even though the evidence with there that girl was carrying his child!! My last boyfriend.. Well dad wouldn't let me see him after he ended up in trouble with the police, put on tag for beating someone up. Not a nice boy, but because my parents hated him i wanted to be with him even more.. anyways dad had words with him and he stopped coming around, and that was the end of that. Now Bobby, my dad likes him, a bit too much. Keeps asking when he's coming over next so i told my dad if he likes him that much maybe he should go out with him!!
Bobby wants to take me out next week, he said he would pay for it as it was his idea and it could just be us two, doing anything i wanted to do. I'm going to suggest going to a park in london, I went there with some friends from school, there was a man playing the piano and we just sat there on the grass talking and enjoying everything about the place.

Im going to ask dad if we can go for a drive tonight, i've been listening to Tracy chapman today, and thinking of the times when i used to get in the car with my dad, listening to her music and singing, nowing that nothing could ever hurt me because dad was there.I miss my dad, i see him every day but i miss him. I hate that he is ill and always comes home in a bad mood. I miss hearing him sing in the mornings out in the kitchen whilst making me breakfast. And i miss the good times we used to have together as a family.

I wonder if i can find anymore house work to do :/
Just need to keep busy for the rest of today a few hours until my parents get home, i'll pretend everythings okay and put the thoughts tp the back of my mind. Eat pizza and then go to bed... x