Stresses, Reflecting on past events, && my sister.

Hey.
Today has to have been one of the most uncomfortable days in a LONG time. I woke up to find my dad at home, my dad who is never around and who continues to work even though it's dangerous to himself and others. Yepp, there he was seeing the awful sight which is me in the morning, not plesant in the slightest. It was nice to see him though, something comforting about hearing him in the kitchen making tea and singing like he used to when i was younger. So i went out to look for some breakfast, there wasn't much, so i had an apple, with a dissaproving father tutting at me.
Getting dressed for the day ahead proved to be more of a challenge than i expected. I was feeling uncomfortable, and unable to crawl back under my covers because i know dad would not approve of how easy i give up. Soo i was in the bathroom getting ready, and my eyes went funny, double vision, then i was seeing spots, then nothing. A blackout. First one in a few months, I don't know what it is, i've had bloods taken and that didn't comeback with any explanations. Anyways i got back up and carried on as if nothing happened. Done my make up. Tidied my room, had lunch and made my way to a friends house, i havent seen her in two years, and felt the need for a catch up and have a cuddle with her baby girl. We had a long chat I was there for 4 hours, then realised the time and rushed home.
Dad had already left for work by the time i got home, I put a large pizza in the oven setting the challenge of eating it all and mum arrived, I didn't want the whole pizza and much to my liking mum agreed to sharing it with me :) Then off i went to the pub as i do every monday night.
But tonight was different. I've given up with dressing to impress the people i see and given up with layers of make up. So there i was in a tracksuit with just a small amount of eyeliner on and in comes michael with his girlfriend charlottes cousin, she is a bitch, and looks down at people. I hate people who judge people for the way they look ect, anyways she kept looking towards me. And as i walked passed to the toilet she said to Bobby "why are you going out with her you can do better" So there i was locked in the cubicle panicking. Lots of stuff going through my mind:
-" why is he with me"
-"Ria's right"
- "he can do a lot better"
20 minutes later i calmed myself down and came out of the toilet telling people i was on the phone for a while. Today hasn't been too great.
I've been uncomfortable and stressed and took alot of it out on Bobby with sarcastic comments. Every time he hugged me i felt repulsed, wondering what he actually sees in me, i couldn't bear him touching me, the thought of him feeling how fat i feel. I don't know, i told him not to hug me cause i was feeling frumpy and disgusting. He tried reassuring me. But the feelings just wont go away.
I got home, had a cold shower, exercised a little, done 100 sit ups and now here i am, in bed,hungry, but avoiding the kitchen because i don't want to binge.
I was talking to charlotte today at the pub after seeing an advert on the TV and came to realise it has been two years since my sister had the all clear from her cancer. One of the most scariest most heartbreaking moments in my life when all i could think about was my sister, 2 years ago was a time i was at my lowest weight, the stresses stopping me from eating, not having control over the situation made me control what i was eating instead. And there she is, my big sister, a perfect example of a fighter. a role model. I remember the day i recieved the news, i was picked up from school and asked to look after katelyn who was only 3 years old and to pick chloe up from school. tarina picked chloe and katelyn up and i was in the van with mum and my brother Patrick. Pat asked mum what was happening and that was when we heard the news. I held back the tears stayed strong. Played with the kids and knew they didn't understand what was going on, seeing them happy, completely oblivious made it hit home and there i was in the bathroom with my brother both crying. I lost all concentration in my sixth form studies and spent most of my time at kelly's because i was unaware of how severe it was or what might happen. every moment was crucial. Nothing else mattered. And to hear she had the all clear was the best thing to happen to me, she phoned me in RE and i asked if i could step outside and take the call. I came back to lesson crying but with a smile on my face, and alice who knew what was going on was there by my side telling me she knew it would be okay.

woahh, don't know what made me talk about kelly there but yeah she is my life. The one person in my family who understands me, and the stuff that i go through. She's been in the same sort of position has simillar scars on her arms, i've never asked how she got them, i just know. I think it may have been around the time Matt was killed. Her boyfriend of 2years, one moment he was there and when she was home from work he was gone. A decent lad taken away by some wasters, a brutal murder. She's happy now, but she will never forget matt, she still has the giant teddy he brought her, a few photo's and most of all memories.

Anyways this is getting deep and my mind is running overtime.. Better get off  too bed. but theres a little insight into part of my fucked up life. x x x