Okay so apparently im selfish, because i wouldn't go shopping today to help a "friend" pick a costume for fancy dress at casino's tonight, then im even more selfish because i'm not going to casino's. This is the friend that turned to me one day in tears saying how i've let things get to far and that she would be there no matter what, Well today im struggling and i need her.
I need someone, my parents aren't home and they wouldn't understand anyways. I've tried to keep myself busy tried to do what mum asked in her note (she leaves me a note every friday) :
" Rebecca,
Please make sure you have breakfast today, and also lunch! Theres some chocolate in the fridge for you too,
Dinkey told me she needs to go for a walk so can you do that too, and also bring the clothes in off the line IF it rains. I'll see you when i get home from work, will bring pizza with me.
Love Mum. x"
I usually love notes from mum on a friday, but today i've ignored most things she asked. Breakfast - No. Lunch - No. Chocolates still in the fridge, it can stay there!! Dinkeys been walked and there hasn't been any rain as of yet so the washing can stay on the line. I've tidied the kitchen it smells like cleaning stuff, also the bathroom smells like bleach and various other cleaning products. I poured a bottle of vodka down the sink because i was thinking of drinking it, i know it would only cause a lot of problems soo thats gone now. I polished the front room, dining room, the bedrooms. Ran the hoover around the house. The hoovers heavy soo i struggled to push that around the house.
I sat and smoked on the front door step, had a conversation with the little old lady next door (im yet to learn her name) she was coming home from somewhere and asked if i had been to hers and done her housework, joking of course, but i offered anyways - maybe a kind deed for the day might have cheered me up. She said no its okay and of she went into her house.
I wish i could drive, I would fill my tank with petrol and drive. Just keep driving, maybe to the beach.. the sound of waves crashing against the rocks sounds quite nice. I'd drive anywhere really, just to get away.
Pay day soon, maybe i can convince my uncle to let me rent his caravan for a few days, some time alone, i mean completely ALONE will do me good.
Charlotte has just text me, asked me to help her get ready for tonight, shes going casino's too. She didn't invite me, she knows i can't face it, she doesn't know whats going on with me, she just knows that i have good when things arent good and today is one of those days. I text back of course but turned down her offer of helping her get ready, wished her a good night and left it at that. I'm meant to be going for a meal with her and Dan tomorrow. Dan pisses me off, his comments just get to me so easily even if he is only joking about things they still affect me. Anyways im not going, Not because i can't face food, simply just because i can not afford it.
Mum came into my room last night, i was getting ready for bed but she came in to appologise for her coment about me possibly being pregnant. She looked at me in a way she's never looked at me before and I knew what she was looking at. She was looking at my scars, probably having flashbacks from the happenings of that eventful night. So i asked her nicely to leave so i could finishe getting ready for bed.
Dad, keeps asking me about Bobby, and why i have only seen him twice this week, i swear a long distance relationship would suit me just fine right now. He's a lovely boy, but siometimes i think he's too nice and feel as if i dont deserve that. I've never been with anyone like him. My first ever propper boyfriend, he cheated on me, got a girl pregnant and denied it all, even though the evidence with there that girl was carrying his child!! My last boyfriend.. Well dad wouldn't let me see him after he ended up in trouble with the police, put on tag for beating someone up. Not a nice boy, but because my parents hated him i wanted to be with him even more.. anyways dad had words with him and he stopped coming around, and that was the end of that. Now Bobby, my dad likes him, a bit too much. Keeps asking when he's coming over next so i told my dad if he likes him that much maybe he should go out with him!!
Bobby wants to take me out next week, he said he would pay for it as it was his idea and it could just be us two, doing anything i wanted to do. I'm going to suggest going to a park in london, I went there with some friends from school, there was a man playing the piano and we just sat there on the grass talking and enjoying everything about the place.
Im going to ask dad if we can go for a drive tonight, i've been listening to Tracy chapman today, and thinking of the times when i used to get in the car with my dad, listening to her music and singing, nowing that nothing could ever hurt me because dad was there.I miss my dad, i see him every day but i miss him. I hate that he is ill and always comes home in a bad mood. I miss hearing him sing in the mornings out in the kitchen whilst making me breakfast. And i miss the good times we used to have together as a family.
I wonder if i can find anymore house work to do :/
Just need to keep busy for the rest of today a few hours until my parents get home, i'll pretend everythings okay and put the thoughts tp the back of my mind. Eat pizza and then go to bed... x
Friday, 29 October 2010
Thursday, 28 October 2010
Tiredness...
Heyy, soo these past few days i've been feeling so tired, I can't find the energy to do much and even the thought of writing this is too much effort, but i need to vent and have nobody to talk to. Nobody that really understands anways.
Im so sick of so called friends who are only around when they want something, a friend asked me to go into town with her tomorrow, I only see her when it suits her, when i need her- my "best friend" she just turns things around so its about her again!! Anyways i told her im not going with her and now she's completely blanking me but do you know what, i dont give a fuck anymore!
Today at work we had a fire drill, it just shows how bad our health and safety act is because most of us had no clue what was going on where the meeting point is or anything, we had to evacuate all customers from the building and wait outside in the freezing cold for the firemen to turn up and check there wasn't a fire. Being a complete idiot i forgot my jacket and froze in my thin short sleeved shirt. And to top it all of they wern't even sexy fireman they were old!! :O
So yesterday i went to the doctors, BMI checked, they said i'm underwight, as if i didn't know that anyways! soo we had a chat about eating my 5 a day (not going to happen i hate fruit and veg.) and some other things and was booked in for another appointment again today where they attempted to take blood, we had trouble finding a vein and then, the blood would not come out!! We got there eventually though.
So tonight i saw bobby for the first time in a week, went down to walderslade village and met up with some friends and just sat around on a bench talking having a catch up.
Tomorrow should hopefully be a duvet day, PJ's, Duvet, Movies, Sleep and cuddles with Dinky my princess.
Things at home have been okay.. except for an embarrassing moment today when my mum accused me of being pregnant! TWICE. i can't believe she even thought i might be pregnant, i told her to buy me a test and i'd prove it! WTF lol. I asked her what put the stupid idea into her head and she replied the doctors appointments, mood swings, and tiredness.
The parents are at my cousins birthday BBQ with fireworks ect, im not happy about missing it but there is a certain family member who has caused so much trouble that if i was to catch her giving me one dirty look i would actually wipe that look from her face! just the thought of the shit she has caused pisses me off!!
Food has had its ups and downs, I've been eating but not the right stuff. And not enough. Last night after dinner i felt a lot of guilt, soo i went running until the feelings passed. I asked my mum to lock the kitchen for me last night to avoid a binge =/
Anyways im off to snuggle up in bed, watch Celebrity Juice and hopefully sleep. :)
Nightt x x x
Im so sick of so called friends who are only around when they want something, a friend asked me to go into town with her tomorrow, I only see her when it suits her, when i need her- my "best friend" she just turns things around so its about her again!! Anyways i told her im not going with her and now she's completely blanking me but do you know what, i dont give a fuck anymore!
Today at work we had a fire drill, it just shows how bad our health and safety act is because most of us had no clue what was going on where the meeting point is or anything, we had to evacuate all customers from the building and wait outside in the freezing cold for the firemen to turn up and check there wasn't a fire. Being a complete idiot i forgot my jacket and froze in my thin short sleeved shirt. And to top it all of they wern't even sexy fireman they were old!! :O
So yesterday i went to the doctors, BMI checked, they said i'm underwight, as if i didn't know that anyways! soo we had a chat about eating my 5 a day (not going to happen i hate fruit and veg.) and some other things and was booked in for another appointment again today where they attempted to take blood, we had trouble finding a vein and then, the blood would not come out!! We got there eventually though.
So tonight i saw bobby for the first time in a week, went down to walderslade village and met up with some friends and just sat around on a bench talking having a catch up.
Tomorrow should hopefully be a duvet day, PJ's, Duvet, Movies, Sleep and cuddles with Dinky my princess.
Things at home have been okay.. except for an embarrassing moment today when my mum accused me of being pregnant! TWICE. i can't believe she even thought i might be pregnant, i told her to buy me a test and i'd prove it! WTF lol. I asked her what put the stupid idea into her head and she replied the doctors appointments, mood swings, and tiredness.
The parents are at my cousins birthday BBQ with fireworks ect, im not happy about missing it but there is a certain family member who has caused so much trouble that if i was to catch her giving me one dirty look i would actually wipe that look from her face! just the thought of the shit she has caused pisses me off!!
Food has had its ups and downs, I've been eating but not the right stuff. And not enough. Last night after dinner i felt a lot of guilt, soo i went running until the feelings passed. I asked my mum to lock the kitchen for me last night to avoid a binge =/
Anyways im off to snuggle up in bed, watch Celebrity Juice and hopefully sleep. :)
Nightt x x x
Saturday, 23 October 2010
Update!
Heyy, so i've been really busy but im not actually sure how, these past couple of days i've been rushed off my feet, doing what exactly im not sure, just trying to meet peoples demands i guess. I've enjoyed being "busy" it meant less time to sit around and think too much.
I've not been sleeping properly Every night for a few weeks i've been wide awake and having to force myself to lay down and attempt to sleep. Its been getting to the point where im still awake to hear my dad's alarm ringing for work at 5am, like this morning, then eventually falling asleep and being woken only a few hours later to get ready for work.
I've been spending to much time at the pub, and im sick of it, i'll be back around there tomorrow to "celebrate" a friends first ever job... trips to the pub come around so often that i can name the bar staff, someof the bar staffs family, I've even learnt a bit about the locals, my favourite being a man who moved down from up north who often joins me outside for a cigarette and makes small talk with me, im yet to remember his name, but i'll get it eventually.
Yesterday i heard some sad news about our new neighbours, and feel as if i could have done something to help... A few weeks ago after coming home at the early hours of the morning from a night on the town I heard what sounded like my neighbours doing a bit of D.I.Y, it sounded like somebody was hammering things, soo i just thought of it as nothing and went inside to bed.. Well yesterday i was talking to the little old lady who lives next door and it turns out the hammering sound was in fact her husband trying to get her attention as he had taken a fall from the bed and was loosing a lot of blood, she mentioned something about blood poisioning.. I felt so sorry for her, a little old lady all alone with her disabled son, i've given her my phone number and told her if she needs anything to just give me a call and i'll be there as soon as i can. Well today she was in her front garden and i asked her how she was and also how her husband is doing. He's allowed to come home in the next few days but she said he wont get better.. its so sad to think they've spent most of their life together and well, and from what my dad tells me, the old man doesn't have long left.. It's heartbreaking!
Today at work I met primarks new christmas employees, I was given a supervisors job, and asked to help train some of the people on the tills, Soo there i was with two extremely shy employees, Lewis and Katie. It bugs me how they give me supervisors jobs but wont actually train me to be a supervisor!! Well i threw Lewis and Katie in at the deep end and after showing them how the tills worked, i stood behind them and supervised whilst they served customers.. They were quick to learn and were serving the customers like pros quite quickly. I doubt tomorrow will be as good, I'll either be on the tills or stuck in the stock room folding a variety of different sized and coloured towels! Lunch is always at 11:30, the early lunch, its meant to be on a rotational system so we take turns getting the early lunch however it seems this doesnt apply anymore and im always sent off at 11:30 to buy my bottle of water a milky way bar and pack of crisps. Lunch lasts for half an hour, and it has to be the slowest half an hour of my life sitting on a bench in the pentagon watching the people pass me by.
For the first time in a long time take away night isn't happening, mum and dad are having fish-finger sandwhiches (disgusting) im cooking a baguette and plan to put some of my quorn stuff in it. I had a big lunch and feel uncomfortable with having a propper diner so i'll stick with something small and have a snack later if i feel like it.
Things have been going pretty well with food, I've been putting up a fight, not always coming out the strongest but i'm doing okay. I don't weigh myself obsessively anymore, i dont want to know what im gaining. I have a doctors appointment on wednesday, where they've mentioned doing various different tests.
X-factor will be on soon, Mary Byrne MUST Win. If not Mary then Katie. Wagner needs to get the hell outta there!! He drives me insane, kind of reminds me of someone, but im not sure who lol.
Ohh, and i've found a few new favourite songs: Glitter in the Air, by Pink. Also loving Mary J Blige at the moment and I'll chuck a bit of Beyonce in there too.
I'm addicted to a game on facebook, i never usually play the games on there but CSI,not only an amazing tv series but a cool fb game too lol. Which reminds me, i have a murder to solve, Cynthia was murdered last night im guessing it was either her agent or her agents husband, they both seem to give me reason to be suspicious of them haha!!
Anywayss, im outta here, i've a crime to solve and dinner to make ;)
Mwahh <3 x x
I've not been sleeping properly Every night for a few weeks i've been wide awake and having to force myself to lay down and attempt to sleep. Its been getting to the point where im still awake to hear my dad's alarm ringing for work at 5am, like this morning, then eventually falling asleep and being woken only a few hours later to get ready for work.
I've been spending to much time at the pub, and im sick of it, i'll be back around there tomorrow to "celebrate" a friends first ever job... trips to the pub come around so often that i can name the bar staff, someof the bar staffs family, I've even learnt a bit about the locals, my favourite being a man who moved down from up north who often joins me outside for a cigarette and makes small talk with me, im yet to remember his name, but i'll get it eventually.
Yesterday i heard some sad news about our new neighbours, and feel as if i could have done something to help... A few weeks ago after coming home at the early hours of the morning from a night on the town I heard what sounded like my neighbours doing a bit of D.I.Y, it sounded like somebody was hammering things, soo i just thought of it as nothing and went inside to bed.. Well yesterday i was talking to the little old lady who lives next door and it turns out the hammering sound was in fact her husband trying to get her attention as he had taken a fall from the bed and was loosing a lot of blood, she mentioned something about blood poisioning.. I felt so sorry for her, a little old lady all alone with her disabled son, i've given her my phone number and told her if she needs anything to just give me a call and i'll be there as soon as i can. Well today she was in her front garden and i asked her how she was and also how her husband is doing. He's allowed to come home in the next few days but she said he wont get better.. its so sad to think they've spent most of their life together and well, and from what my dad tells me, the old man doesn't have long left.. It's heartbreaking!
Today at work I met primarks new christmas employees, I was given a supervisors job, and asked to help train some of the people on the tills, Soo there i was with two extremely shy employees, Lewis and Katie. It bugs me how they give me supervisors jobs but wont actually train me to be a supervisor!! Well i threw Lewis and Katie in at the deep end and after showing them how the tills worked, i stood behind them and supervised whilst they served customers.. They were quick to learn and were serving the customers like pros quite quickly. I doubt tomorrow will be as good, I'll either be on the tills or stuck in the stock room folding a variety of different sized and coloured towels! Lunch is always at 11:30, the early lunch, its meant to be on a rotational system so we take turns getting the early lunch however it seems this doesnt apply anymore and im always sent off at 11:30 to buy my bottle of water a milky way bar and pack of crisps. Lunch lasts for half an hour, and it has to be the slowest half an hour of my life sitting on a bench in the pentagon watching the people pass me by.
For the first time in a long time take away night isn't happening, mum and dad are having fish-finger sandwhiches (disgusting) im cooking a baguette and plan to put some of my quorn stuff in it. I had a big lunch and feel uncomfortable with having a propper diner so i'll stick with something small and have a snack later if i feel like it.
Things have been going pretty well with food, I've been putting up a fight, not always coming out the strongest but i'm doing okay. I don't weigh myself obsessively anymore, i dont want to know what im gaining. I have a doctors appointment on wednesday, where they've mentioned doing various different tests.
X-factor will be on soon, Mary Byrne MUST Win. If not Mary then Katie. Wagner needs to get the hell outta there!! He drives me insane, kind of reminds me of someone, but im not sure who lol.
Ohh, and i've found a few new favourite songs: Glitter in the Air, by Pink. Also loving Mary J Blige at the moment and I'll chuck a bit of Beyonce in there too.
I'm addicted to a game on facebook, i never usually play the games on there but CSI,not only an amazing tv series but a cool fb game too lol. Which reminds me, i have a murder to solve, Cynthia was murdered last night im guessing it was either her agent or her agents husband, they both seem to give me reason to be suspicious of them haha!!
Anywayss, im outta here, i've a crime to solve and dinner to make ;)
Mwahh <3 x x
Tuesday, 19 October 2010
Its all good...
Hey hey...
These past 2 days have been "normal".
Monday seemed to drag, I woke up late as usual, Had Breakfast and Lunch, Done my hair, Done my make up, Found something nice to wear, Then my mum arrived home from work, followed by dad.. Dinner wasn't a propper meal. Quorn, southern fried chicken style strips, in a sandwhich. Then at about 7pm went to charlottes and made our way to the pub. Monday night is pub night. Everyone's there. I've made a lot of new friends this year thanks to mondays. So Monday I brought myself a bottle of wine, thought a treat was well deserved, and then Michael brought me a drink, A pint of fosters i think and also a shot, its called gold dust :S anyways they have gold shavings in them and make little cuts in your throught so the alcohol gets through your blood flow A LOT faster. As you can imagine by closing i stumbled home with Bobbys help, and FELL through the front door. So all in all monday was a pretty good day.
Today (Tuesday) Another good day. I woke up at around half 11, earlier than usual. Had breakfast, and realised some shopping is needed, i think i'll raise this issue with mum tomorrow. Then i showered, done my hair and make up and by the time this was done it was time for lunch, Empty cupboards and too lazy to cook, off i went (in the rain) to the kebab shop just around the corner from where i live. Soo i got home, ate my chips, went for a fag and spent some time browsing youtube.
I made a trip to the attick, where i learnt that there wern't as many spiders as i expected, to use the neglected gym equipment that mum swore she would use and never did, Soo i spent an hour on the equipment then thought id go and socialise.
Soo off i ran (in the rain) 4 doors up from mine to number 32 to pay a visit to my dear friend charlotte and her mum, who i adore because you can talk to her about anything, and shes just full of laughs, if ever you need your day brightened Julie is the lady to see. With nothing to do, myself and charlotte headed off too the library to change our child cards for adult cards haha!! I hardly ever read but just lately have been craving books lmao! Soo i arrived home with 3 books:
First being Michael Jacksons Autobiography, which im already halfway through, that man, such a legend!!
Second, Victoria Beckhams autobiography, now this lady fascinates me, I was a fan as a child, Spice girls, i adored them, i knew every dance move to every song and every lyric to every song too. I also admire her success as a bussiness women and fashion designer.
And the 3rd The Lost Girl by Stephan Collishaw, Its about a poet and a girl at the end of the second world war i think its a love story, i was just captivated by the artwork on the cover and for that reason picked it up ;)
Mum phoned me as i was on my way back to charlottes and informed me that dinner was ready, soo i turned around and walked back to find mash potato with melted cheese and sweetcorn. I loved it, never thought cheese and sweetcorn would go well together but apparently it does :)
I ate it all and went straight back to charlottes letting myself in and headed to their front room to find charlotte reading, something i never thought i would see. Then in comes Billy her 5 year old brother "CHARLOTTEE BECCA CAN WE MAKE CAKES!!!" soo off we went to the kitchen. Making cakes, is fun, but not when kids are involved, licking the spoon and dipping it back into the bowl then licking and dipping some more!!
After cakes, the kids were sent to bed and julie joined us in the kitchen whilst we were smoking and then set us to work on making flap jacks. I seriosuly love cooking.
I've been making plans for my birthday, Ireland is out of the question, my parents annoy me!! Anyways, the saturday after my birthday myself and a few friends are off to London, First Madame tussauds, then for some sight seeing around london. Not too excited about my birthday this year now that plans have changed. I have no idea what i'm doing for my actual birthday, probably a family dinner (i hate family things) and a big fuss about how its my birthday "another year older presents yay" I dont see such the big deal about it to be honest.
Anyways, my book is calling me back too it. Goal: finish the rest of michale jacksons book before i head to bed, i'll do that easy :) x x x
These past 2 days have been "normal".
Monday seemed to drag, I woke up late as usual, Had Breakfast and Lunch, Done my hair, Done my make up, Found something nice to wear, Then my mum arrived home from work, followed by dad.. Dinner wasn't a propper meal. Quorn, southern fried chicken style strips, in a sandwhich. Then at about 7pm went to charlottes and made our way to the pub. Monday night is pub night. Everyone's there. I've made a lot of new friends this year thanks to mondays. So Monday I brought myself a bottle of wine, thought a treat was well deserved, and then Michael brought me a drink, A pint of fosters i think and also a shot, its called gold dust :S anyways they have gold shavings in them and make little cuts in your throught so the alcohol gets through your blood flow A LOT faster. As you can imagine by closing i stumbled home with Bobbys help, and FELL through the front door. So all in all monday was a pretty good day.
Today (Tuesday) Another good day. I woke up at around half 11, earlier than usual. Had breakfast, and realised some shopping is needed, i think i'll raise this issue with mum tomorrow. Then i showered, done my hair and make up and by the time this was done it was time for lunch, Empty cupboards and too lazy to cook, off i went (in the rain) to the kebab shop just around the corner from where i live. Soo i got home, ate my chips, went for a fag and spent some time browsing youtube.
I made a trip to the attick, where i learnt that there wern't as many spiders as i expected, to use the neglected gym equipment that mum swore she would use and never did, Soo i spent an hour on the equipment then thought id go and socialise.
Soo off i ran (in the rain) 4 doors up from mine to number 32 to pay a visit to my dear friend charlotte and her mum, who i adore because you can talk to her about anything, and shes just full of laughs, if ever you need your day brightened Julie is the lady to see. With nothing to do, myself and charlotte headed off too the library to change our child cards for adult cards haha!! I hardly ever read but just lately have been craving books lmao! Soo i arrived home with 3 books:
First being Michael Jacksons Autobiography, which im already halfway through, that man, such a legend!!
Second, Victoria Beckhams autobiography, now this lady fascinates me, I was a fan as a child, Spice girls, i adored them, i knew every dance move to every song and every lyric to every song too. I also admire her success as a bussiness women and fashion designer.
And the 3rd The Lost Girl by Stephan Collishaw, Its about a poet and a girl at the end of the second world war i think its a love story, i was just captivated by the artwork on the cover and for that reason picked it up ;)
Mum phoned me as i was on my way back to charlottes and informed me that dinner was ready, soo i turned around and walked back to find mash potato with melted cheese and sweetcorn. I loved it, never thought cheese and sweetcorn would go well together but apparently it does :)
I ate it all and went straight back to charlottes letting myself in and headed to their front room to find charlotte reading, something i never thought i would see. Then in comes Billy her 5 year old brother "CHARLOTTEE BECCA CAN WE MAKE CAKES!!!" soo off we went to the kitchen. Making cakes, is fun, but not when kids are involved, licking the spoon and dipping it back into the bowl then licking and dipping some more!!
After cakes, the kids were sent to bed and julie joined us in the kitchen whilst we were smoking and then set us to work on making flap jacks. I seriosuly love cooking.
I've been making plans for my birthday, Ireland is out of the question, my parents annoy me!! Anyways, the saturday after my birthday myself and a few friends are off to London, First Madame tussauds, then for some sight seeing around london. Not too excited about my birthday this year now that plans have changed. I have no idea what i'm doing for my actual birthday, probably a family dinner (i hate family things) and a big fuss about how its my birthday "another year older presents yay" I dont see such the big deal about it to be honest.
Anyways, my book is calling me back too it. Goal: finish the rest of michale jacksons book before i head to bed, i'll do that easy :) x x x
Sunday, 17 October 2010
I HATE HER !! ....
Heyy.
So my brother came to visit today, i always love seeing my brother, we don't spend alot of time together like we used to. When i answered the door i discovered he brought his bitch along with him. Tarina, I hate her...
And to think i have to spend two weeks with her when we go on holiday in june/july.
Soo today i was being civil, having a conversation, joining in with hers and mums conversation about work (they both work up the hospital) and listening to her moan about how she has to work christmas eve, so might just put her fingers down her throat and make herself sick infront of staff so she can go home! Listening to her talk about that made me feel uncomfortable, she treats it like its a joke saying how people with eating disorders have got it easy, because they have the will power to lose weight and all that kinda bollox. She calls herself a nurse yet she has no compassion for anybody and there isnt a caring bone in her body, she only cares if it makes her come across as an amazing person, its all a fucking show as far as she is concerned!! WTF, i could have slapped her but instead mum changed the subject to how i cooked for them today and that she should try one of my southern fried chicken strips.
So off i went to the kitchen to prepare some southern fried chicken for the bitch. I purposely tried to give her food poisoning. I didn't cook it long enough and then served it too her. She got half way through it and realised it was still cold and a little bit pink. I gave her the typical "becca glare" and she knew i did it on purpose. They soon left as soon as my brother noticed the tension building between us both.
To think she wants me to be a bridesmaid at her wedding vow renewel in the dominican. She brought me a dress to wear for the occassion and everything, It's HIDEOUS, Peach is not my colour, Netted paneling, Not my thing, oh and its too big on me and looks like i'm wearing a tent, yet she insists i look "stunning" I swear if murder was legal....
Tonight hasn't been a good night. Food wise it's been okay. But i'm not happy, I still have the stomach pains that i had this morning, they ease off and then get really strong again. I don't know whats wrong with me but emotions are running high tonight, sleep seems impossible. I was supposed to meet a friend today we planned to meet up after dinner then she let me down, and again she asked me to meet her, and i was let down again.
I guess tonight i'll sit and read untill i fall asleep.
I will eventually write a positive post. Erm... theres always tomorrow ;) x
So my brother came to visit today, i always love seeing my brother, we don't spend alot of time together like we used to. When i answered the door i discovered he brought his bitch along with him. Tarina, I hate her...
And to think i have to spend two weeks with her when we go on holiday in june/july.
Soo today i was being civil, having a conversation, joining in with hers and mums conversation about work (they both work up the hospital) and listening to her moan about how she has to work christmas eve, so might just put her fingers down her throat and make herself sick infront of staff so she can go home! Listening to her talk about that made me feel uncomfortable, she treats it like its a joke saying how people with eating disorders have got it easy, because they have the will power to lose weight and all that kinda bollox. She calls herself a nurse yet she has no compassion for anybody and there isnt a caring bone in her body, she only cares if it makes her come across as an amazing person, its all a fucking show as far as she is concerned!! WTF, i could have slapped her but instead mum changed the subject to how i cooked for them today and that she should try one of my southern fried chicken strips.
So off i went to the kitchen to prepare some southern fried chicken for the bitch. I purposely tried to give her food poisoning. I didn't cook it long enough and then served it too her. She got half way through it and realised it was still cold and a little bit pink. I gave her the typical "becca glare" and she knew i did it on purpose. They soon left as soon as my brother noticed the tension building between us both.
To think she wants me to be a bridesmaid at her wedding vow renewel in the dominican. She brought me a dress to wear for the occassion and everything, It's HIDEOUS, Peach is not my colour, Netted paneling, Not my thing, oh and its too big on me and looks like i'm wearing a tent, yet she insists i look "stunning" I swear if murder was legal....
Tonight hasn't been a good night. Food wise it's been okay. But i'm not happy, I still have the stomach pains that i had this morning, they ease off and then get really strong again. I don't know whats wrong with me but emotions are running high tonight, sleep seems impossible. I was supposed to meet a friend today we planned to meet up after dinner then she let me down, and again she asked me to meet her, and i was let down again.
I guess tonight i'll sit and read untill i fall asleep.
I will eventually write a positive post. Erm... theres always tomorrow ;) x
Im awake!!
Heyy,
Anyways tonight for dinner i have some quorn chicken style strips with pasta.
After last nights party, i was expecting to wake up single and hungover. Nope, I woke up to a text from Bobby appologising for last night, and was far from hungover. I fell asleep and woke up again to a text from Yvonne, I fell asleep AGAIN and eventually dragged myself out of bed at about 1:30.
I got out of bed to find myself in a lot of pain. But the pain soon went. Mum and Dad came home, and Dad went to the kitchen to check on dinner, I saw dad looking and he said "theres no point in eating that, you'll be having dinner soon" Im trying to stick to a routine of Breakfast as soon as i wake up, Lunch a little later and eventually dinner. He seemed to think i was going to be eating a roast. Soo i snapped at him replying "since when have i ever eaten a roast" his reaction "becca your getting worse not better!"
I thought i was doing well, Im sticking to a routine which i eventually hope to break, but still i'm doing well.
Omg my dad is criticising everyone my mum just came in with a biscuit and her tea, and he was like "havent you just had crisps?" What the fuck is his problem today!?
Just caught up with x-factor. Mary to win, she's amazing! x x x
Saturday, 16 October 2010
Partayy!!
Heyy, soo today has been good, a little stressful but other than that all was well.
I arrived at work to find that one of the girls who has been working there 2 months has been given supervisor title, after i've been there 3 years and still end up stuck at the tills, it takes the piss really doesnt it.
Oh by the wayy im tipsy haahaa!!
After work, i brought my parents friends daughter and her friend some fags, it was hillarious watching them attempt to smoke, i actually had to walk away before i started laughing at them. Anyways, after that i met mum and dad and went to the bakery to buy some lunch. Cheese and tomato pizza.
Mum and Dad dropped me home then went to visit my aunt and uncle whilst i showered and got myself ready for the party tonight. They arrived home and mum had to get ready as she was going out for a meal with some friends from work as a send of too one of her friends who was leaving after soo many millions of years of working at the hospital. So she had a chineese, and myself and dad ordered a chinese. Dad set me the task of going into the chinese shop and ordering for myself. I ended up with 2 portions of chips a pot of egg fried rice and two pots of curry sauce. Dad dished up and the next challenge was to eat as much as i possibly could. I bet with dad i would be able to eat it all, there was a lot there. I didn't manage all of it but i actually think i ate more than dad managed.
At about 9pm we collected mum from the posh resturant, and went to my local the poachers to the party. Bobby tagged along and got to know the family. Dad likes him, i mean they get on really well, dad even brought him a drink, it was hard enough trying to get him to buy me a drink!! Anyways i had enough to drink got a little tipsy, and bobby mentions me not eating enough, i go out to have a good time not to hear that shit soo i told him to shut up and he replied im just saying so i punched him in the face! Omg he pissed me off and even after punching him he stuck around! :O
I got on the dance floor with mum and her good friend shirley, I never dance with older people who know me differently to friends but i thought fuck it why not!! and there i was raving with the oldies :L
Myself and Dad got on really well, i even managed to get a dance out of him, and found myself in shock at this moment, didn't get any pictures of the dancing but we did get quite a few pics.
Anywayys, my bed is calling, just thought id give a quick update on tonight, it probably makes no sense but its okay!!
Lovee N Stuff, Mwahh <3 x x x
I arrived at work to find that one of the girls who has been working there 2 months has been given supervisor title, after i've been there 3 years and still end up stuck at the tills, it takes the piss really doesnt it.
Oh by the wayy im tipsy haahaa!!
After work, i brought my parents friends daughter and her friend some fags, it was hillarious watching them attempt to smoke, i actually had to walk away before i started laughing at them. Anyways, after that i met mum and dad and went to the bakery to buy some lunch. Cheese and tomato pizza.
Mum and Dad dropped me home then went to visit my aunt and uncle whilst i showered and got myself ready for the party tonight. They arrived home and mum had to get ready as she was going out for a meal with some friends from work as a send of too one of her friends who was leaving after soo many millions of years of working at the hospital. So she had a chineese, and myself and dad ordered a chinese. Dad set me the task of going into the chinese shop and ordering for myself. I ended up with 2 portions of chips a pot of egg fried rice and two pots of curry sauce. Dad dished up and the next challenge was to eat as much as i possibly could. I bet with dad i would be able to eat it all, there was a lot there. I didn't manage all of it but i actually think i ate more than dad managed.
At about 9pm we collected mum from the posh resturant, and went to my local the poachers to the party. Bobby tagged along and got to know the family. Dad likes him, i mean they get on really well, dad even brought him a drink, it was hard enough trying to get him to buy me a drink!! Anyways i had enough to drink got a little tipsy, and bobby mentions me not eating enough, i go out to have a good time not to hear that shit soo i told him to shut up and he replied im just saying so i punched him in the face! Omg he pissed me off and even after punching him he stuck around! :O
I got on the dance floor with mum and her good friend shirley, I never dance with older people who know me differently to friends but i thought fuck it why not!! and there i was raving with the oldies :L
Myself and Dad got on really well, i even managed to get a dance out of him, and found myself in shock at this moment, didn't get any pictures of the dancing but we did get quite a few pics.
Anywayys, my bed is calling, just thought id give a quick update on tonight, it probably makes no sense but its okay!!
Lovee N Stuff, Mwahh <3 x x x
Work!
I start work at 10am, its 9am now.
I feel like crap and no doubt will give any customer that pisses me off today a piece of my mind.
I seriously cant work out how i can be so tired!!
Breakfast this morning was not good, Had an argument with mum over not wanting to eat, but i ate it anyways to shut her up and because it was the right thing to do! I have a feeling i'll be giving tonights party a miss and just settle down with a dvd. Something Chick Flicky, Just me, Dinkey a face mask and a glass of wine. Actually i'll even give the wine a miss and stick to something like tea!
Cant wait for payday to arrive, this moment comes around once a month and the money doesnt last long... X-mas is approaching fast and i just love buying people stuff!! Today if i have time i'll be buying wrapping paper, making sure it has a theme of course.. I like the presents to be matching and perfect looking!! Even though its just going to end up thrown in the bin on christmas morning it still has to look good! ;)
4 Hour shift today, and thats it untill next week.
I keep asking for overtime, but at the moment they never seem to have any even though we are extremely short staffed on weekends to the point where the weekday staff are coming in on weekends to help out.
I'll be on the tills for my shift... Standing in the same place for 4 hours listening to customers complain about things i dont care about, Parents screaming at their children, Children screaming at their parents. My favourite customers have to be the old ones, they give you a decent conversation, And pay in pennys which is really cool cause it takes longer to count and gives me different variety of coins to display in my till!!
Saturday night is take away night, No doubt chinese as usual, maybe i'll join instead of cooking my own, Egg Fried rice, some chips and a pot of curry sauce, :) If they dont have chinese im feeling a pizza would make a change to the usual boredom of pasta or macaroni cheese.
Well i only planned for this to be a short rant but it turns out it wasnt all that short hehe..
And now mums asking me to assist her in passing things up to the attick, a room i forgot about, with its gym equipment, a huge window overlooking the library and the field, and so many hidden cupboards filled with lots of goodies for christmas, (yepp mum started her shopping too).
Mwahhh <3 x x x
I feel like crap and no doubt will give any customer that pisses me off today a piece of my mind.
I seriously cant work out how i can be so tired!!
Breakfast this morning was not good, Had an argument with mum over not wanting to eat, but i ate it anyways to shut her up and because it was the right thing to do! I have a feeling i'll be giving tonights party a miss and just settle down with a dvd. Something Chick Flicky, Just me, Dinkey a face mask and a glass of wine. Actually i'll even give the wine a miss and stick to something like tea!
Cant wait for payday to arrive, this moment comes around once a month and the money doesnt last long... X-mas is approaching fast and i just love buying people stuff!! Today if i have time i'll be buying wrapping paper, making sure it has a theme of course.. I like the presents to be matching and perfect looking!! Even though its just going to end up thrown in the bin on christmas morning it still has to look good! ;)
4 Hour shift today, and thats it untill next week.
I keep asking for overtime, but at the moment they never seem to have any even though we are extremely short staffed on weekends to the point where the weekday staff are coming in on weekends to help out.
I'll be on the tills for my shift... Standing in the same place for 4 hours listening to customers complain about things i dont care about, Parents screaming at their children, Children screaming at their parents. My favourite customers have to be the old ones, they give you a decent conversation, And pay in pennys which is really cool cause it takes longer to count and gives me different variety of coins to display in my till!!
Saturday night is take away night, No doubt chinese as usual, maybe i'll join instead of cooking my own, Egg Fried rice, some chips and a pot of curry sauce, :) If they dont have chinese im feeling a pizza would make a change to the usual boredom of pasta or macaroni cheese.
Well i only planned for this to be a short rant but it turns out it wasnt all that short hehe..
And now mums asking me to assist her in passing things up to the attick, a room i forgot about, with its gym equipment, a huge window overlooking the library and the field, and so many hidden cupboards filled with lots of goodies for christmas, (yepp mum started her shopping too).
Mwahhh <3 x x x
Friday, 15 October 2010
Awkward!!
Heyy,
Soo today was not a good day, I woke up just after 12pm to hear a banging noise which sounded as if next door were having some work done, soo i closed my eyes only to realise it was the door, I jumped out of bed to find Charlotte and little Emily who had been out there for quite sometime hammering at the door trying to wake me up.. Soo barely able to function we went to the garden and smoked whilst emily played on the swings. I skipped breakfast but after they left, made lunch, Toast and a chocolate chip muffin :)
After that i had a few snacks, and done some Ironing, usually i love to iron but today i was feeling drained, soo i struggled through half a pile of ironing and finally gave up then fell asleep on the sofa.
I woke up to find mum standong over me asking if i was okay, I realised the time and quickly chucked something to eat in the microwave. Macaroni Cheese, then it was a mad rush to get myself looking half decent as i was supposed to be meeting people at the pub.
I got to the pub and there was Charlotte and Bobby, a quiet night so we went back to mine, I showed off the moonwalk after being told i wouldnt be able to do it, that shut bobby up thats for sure lmao, Was a pretty odd night to be fair.
Then as i was saying bye to charlotte bobby was in the front room talking to dad. I walked in to hear them discussing work then dad said maybe you could bring home a few meat pies for becca, meaning i need to eat more, Soo i jabbed bobby in the ribs and said he was just as bad and walked off to the conservatory, where i refused to sit next to bobby for the whole night, He finally left at 12pm and now im feeling guilty because i've no distractions for the stuff i've eaten today, im not going to let it beat me though. I know its okay!!
Im working 4 hour shift tomorrow and a party tomorrow night, Im not sure if im going to be up for the party, I have a been feeling weak and quite drained for the past few days, wednesday i didn't even bother getting out of bed, thursday i woke up at 3pm and was back in bed by 11 and today all i've done is take the odd nap here and there. I will only know my parents at the party anyways so i dont see much point in going, mum says it will do me good to go out and meet different people, its a 70th birthday party!! its hardly going to be a huge thing i will regret not going to!
I've managed to sneak Dinky into my room for tonight, mum doesnt like her sleeping in my room, but she gets lonely in the front room all by herself haha.
Well thats all for now, i live such an exciting life huh? :P
Nightt, Mwahh <3 x x x
Soo today was not a good day, I woke up just after 12pm to hear a banging noise which sounded as if next door were having some work done, soo i closed my eyes only to realise it was the door, I jumped out of bed to find Charlotte and little Emily who had been out there for quite sometime hammering at the door trying to wake me up.. Soo barely able to function we went to the garden and smoked whilst emily played on the swings. I skipped breakfast but after they left, made lunch, Toast and a chocolate chip muffin :)
After that i had a few snacks, and done some Ironing, usually i love to iron but today i was feeling drained, soo i struggled through half a pile of ironing and finally gave up then fell asleep on the sofa.
I woke up to find mum standong over me asking if i was okay, I realised the time and quickly chucked something to eat in the microwave. Macaroni Cheese, then it was a mad rush to get myself looking half decent as i was supposed to be meeting people at the pub.
I got to the pub and there was Charlotte and Bobby, a quiet night so we went back to mine, I showed off the moonwalk after being told i wouldnt be able to do it, that shut bobby up thats for sure lmao, Was a pretty odd night to be fair.
Then as i was saying bye to charlotte bobby was in the front room talking to dad. I walked in to hear them discussing work then dad said maybe you could bring home a few meat pies for becca, meaning i need to eat more, Soo i jabbed bobby in the ribs and said he was just as bad and walked off to the conservatory, where i refused to sit next to bobby for the whole night, He finally left at 12pm and now im feeling guilty because i've no distractions for the stuff i've eaten today, im not going to let it beat me though. I know its okay!!
Im working 4 hour shift tomorrow and a party tomorrow night, Im not sure if im going to be up for the party, I have a been feeling weak and quite drained for the past few days, wednesday i didn't even bother getting out of bed, thursday i woke up at 3pm and was back in bed by 11 and today all i've done is take the odd nap here and there. I will only know my parents at the party anyways so i dont see much point in going, mum says it will do me good to go out and meet different people, its a 70th birthday party!! its hardly going to be a huge thing i will regret not going to!
I've managed to sneak Dinky into my room for tonight, mum doesnt like her sleeping in my room, but she gets lonely in the front room all by herself haha.
Well thats all for now, i live such an exciting life huh? :P
Nightt, Mwahh <3 x x x
Thursday, 14 October 2010
When God Calls Little Children.
I wrote this for my cousin he was sadly taken away from us at the age of 5, through death he know longer suffers, R.I.P Billy Boy, the brightest star shining in the sky, our little angel.
When God Calls Little children.
When God calls little children
To dwell with him above
We mortals sometimes question the wisdom of his love.
For no heartache compares with the death of one smal child
Who does so much to make our world so wonderful and mild.
Perhaps God tires of calling,
The aged to his fold.
So he picks a little rose bud,
Before it withers and grows old.
God knows how much we need them,
So he takes but a few,
To make the land of heaven more beautiful to view.
Believing this is difficult,
But somehow we must try.
The saddest word which mankind knows will always be "goodbye".
So when a little child departs
We who are left behind.
Must realise that God loves children
And that angels are hard to find.
 |
| R.I.P Billy, May the angels look after you darling <3 x |
This is it!!
Heyyy!!
Quote for the day: "One equal temper of heroic hearts made weak by time and fate, but strong in will, to strive, to seek, to find and not to yield" - Alfred Tennyson.
Soo after a serious conversation last night with a lovely girly i've finally seen sense!
Today has been filled with alot of positivity. I woke up to an empty house and walked to the kitchen for breakfast only to find some of those really cool pancakes on the side with a bottle of maple syrup and a postit note saying eat me... this really made my day, little things like that make me smile, anyways i ate my pancakes after drowning them in maple syrup, had a cappachino and sat in the garden for a while to smoke my first cigarrette of the day.
I felt guilty after the pancakes but I wont give up, not this time! So i had to find something to distract myself, something to stop the guilt and make me realise its okay, soo i sat in the front room for a while watched some tv, then went for a shower. Instead of punishing myself i treated myself, I used the best coconut moisturiser EVER, I done a face mask, i painted finger nails and toe nails. Dressed in Jeans and a nice top (makes a change from seeing myself in a tracksuit) then i sat down to do my hair and make up, time passed quickly and before i knew it mum was home and it was time for lunch.
I gave mum full control, told her to make me anything she wanted, within reason of course, i wasn't going to give her the opportunity to make me bacon or anything with meat in because thats something i wont let go of, people think i turned towards vegetarianism in order to lose weight when it was because of completely different reasons. But thats a different story.. Anyways she made me crackers, some cheese twist things, pastry with cheese (really nice) a pack of hula-hoops, and she even brought me some pomegranite seeds (the only fruit i really like). I got there, i ate it all, except some of the pmegranite seeds they come in a massive tub and you get bored of them after soo many. So the rest will be used as a snack for tomorrow.
The positivity still remained, i phoned some friends, phoned Bobby. sorted out transport to get to bingo and home again, and spent the rest of my time on facebook. I also wrote a poem after talking to my cousin looking at photos of her little boy who died age 5 due to many different complications.. R. I. P. Billy <3
Thursday night is bingo night, usually I would tell my mum i plan to eat at bingo with the others but today she made me a Cheese baguette before i left, not a propper dinner but it was something just incase i didn't eat when i got to bingo. Well when i got there i ordered a portion of chips and then got bobby to tell my mum what i was eating just so she knew i was having something else for dinner. I was feeling tonight would be a lucky night, thought we might have a chance of winning, but we didnt, its okay though because we still had a good night.
Myself and Bobby were dropped of at mine but i felt the need for some me time so told him he couldnt come in because i wanted to go to bed. Just as he was leaving there was a loud crash. It turns out the old man next door was putting one of his bins out and took a fall. Soo I rushed next door and with Bobby's help we managed to get the man inside to his front room and check that he was okay, I made him a cup of tea and then we left. (this is why i would be good working with the elderly)
After that I said bye to Bobby and told my parents of todays events.
Oh I've broken the bet, I had crisps today, I'm also having a few shots of vodka. A Whole month i dont think i could have coped 3days was long enough !!
I've been really tired these past few days, last night i was dozing in and out of consiousness and fell asleep at the early time of 1am instead of the usual 4am.
Its been really cold here lately, I've gone frome 1 duvet to 3duvets. The parents think im insane apparently it isn't that cold. But i disagree.
Im off too bed now, but no doubt i'll wake up in them orning to find dinkey snuggled up on the pillow amongst the covers with me.
Nightt <3 x x x
Quote for the day: "One equal temper of heroic hearts made weak by time and fate, but strong in will, to strive, to seek, to find and not to yield" - Alfred Tennyson.
Soo after a serious conversation last night with a lovely girly i've finally seen sense!
Today has been filled with alot of positivity. I woke up to an empty house and walked to the kitchen for breakfast only to find some of those really cool pancakes on the side with a bottle of maple syrup and a postit note saying eat me... this really made my day, little things like that make me smile, anyways i ate my pancakes after drowning them in maple syrup, had a cappachino and sat in the garden for a while to smoke my first cigarrette of the day.
I felt guilty after the pancakes but I wont give up, not this time! So i had to find something to distract myself, something to stop the guilt and make me realise its okay, soo i sat in the front room for a while watched some tv, then went for a shower. Instead of punishing myself i treated myself, I used the best coconut moisturiser EVER, I done a face mask, i painted finger nails and toe nails. Dressed in Jeans and a nice top (makes a change from seeing myself in a tracksuit) then i sat down to do my hair and make up, time passed quickly and before i knew it mum was home and it was time for lunch.
I gave mum full control, told her to make me anything she wanted, within reason of course, i wasn't going to give her the opportunity to make me bacon or anything with meat in because thats something i wont let go of, people think i turned towards vegetarianism in order to lose weight when it was because of completely different reasons. But thats a different story.. Anyways she made me crackers, some cheese twist things, pastry with cheese (really nice) a pack of hula-hoops, and she even brought me some pomegranite seeds (the only fruit i really like). I got there, i ate it all, except some of the pmegranite seeds they come in a massive tub and you get bored of them after soo many. So the rest will be used as a snack for tomorrow.
The positivity still remained, i phoned some friends, phoned Bobby. sorted out transport to get to bingo and home again, and spent the rest of my time on facebook. I also wrote a poem after talking to my cousin looking at photos of her little boy who died age 5 due to many different complications.. R. I. P. Billy <3
Thursday night is bingo night, usually I would tell my mum i plan to eat at bingo with the others but today she made me a Cheese baguette before i left, not a propper dinner but it was something just incase i didn't eat when i got to bingo. Well when i got there i ordered a portion of chips and then got bobby to tell my mum what i was eating just so she knew i was having something else for dinner. I was feeling tonight would be a lucky night, thought we might have a chance of winning, but we didnt, its okay though because we still had a good night.
Myself and Bobby were dropped of at mine but i felt the need for some me time so told him he couldnt come in because i wanted to go to bed. Just as he was leaving there was a loud crash. It turns out the old man next door was putting one of his bins out and took a fall. Soo I rushed next door and with Bobby's help we managed to get the man inside to his front room and check that he was okay, I made him a cup of tea and then we left. (this is why i would be good working with the elderly)
After that I said bye to Bobby and told my parents of todays events.
Oh I've broken the bet, I had crisps today, I'm also having a few shots of vodka. A Whole month i dont think i could have coped 3days was long enough !!
I've been really tired these past few days, last night i was dozing in and out of consiousness and fell asleep at the early time of 1am instead of the usual 4am.
Its been really cold here lately, I've gone frome 1 duvet to 3duvets. The parents think im insane apparently it isn't that cold. But i disagree.
Im off too bed now, but no doubt i'll wake up in them orning to find dinkey snuggled up on the pillow amongst the covers with me.
Nightt <3 x x x
Wednesday, 13 October 2010
(untitled)...
So today has been a lazy day. I woke up to find my baby snuggled up with her head on my shoulder, How she managed to jump onto my bed I don't know because she usually makes such a drama about not being able to get up there, Maybe she took a run and jump, but anyways It was so cosy just me and dinkey, Under two duvet covers to keep the shivers at bay :)
I was up suprisingly early today, 10:30, Dinkey was reluctant to get out of bed but she clambered out almost imediately after i left the room and was bugging me all morning.
I've been pretty anti-social today in terms of friends, I've ignored most texts and been too "busy" to talk to them over fb.
I've been quite hungry today and mum is yet to go shopping, soo the cupboards are bare except for chocolate chip muffins and a cupboard packed full with biscuits. I questioned her on the amount of sweets she's been buying recently only to realise that halloween is coming up so she's been stocking up on treats for the little kiddys that knock our door saying "trick or treat" and rarely getting tricks, unless of course my brothers on the scene ;)
I questioned my nephew today. The chatham boys all insist on walking around the streets with their hands down their pants!! soo my question was, "Jake why the fuck do boys walk around like that?" His reply was stupid as expected but made me laugh as he turned to me and said " I'm not sure its just this thing they do but in my case im just checking they're still there ;)" Its not often my nephew and I have a conversation because it often ends up in an argument over how much of a spoilt little child he is, but today was different, it has been for a few weeks, i think maybe he's started to grow up slightly.
Soo there are no plans for the rest of today, i'll probably take a nap, and then watch some tv. Nothing to exciting today really, but i like it this way sometimes :) x
I was up suprisingly early today, 10:30, Dinkey was reluctant to get out of bed but she clambered out almost imediately after i left the room and was bugging me all morning.
I've been pretty anti-social today in terms of friends, I've ignored most texts and been too "busy" to talk to them over fb.
I've been quite hungry today and mum is yet to go shopping, soo the cupboards are bare except for chocolate chip muffins and a cupboard packed full with biscuits. I questioned her on the amount of sweets she's been buying recently only to realise that halloween is coming up so she's been stocking up on treats for the little kiddys that knock our door saying "trick or treat" and rarely getting tricks, unless of course my brothers on the scene ;)
I questioned my nephew today. The chatham boys all insist on walking around the streets with their hands down their pants!! soo my question was, "Jake why the fuck do boys walk around like that?" His reply was stupid as expected but made me laugh as he turned to me and said " I'm not sure its just this thing they do but in my case im just checking they're still there ;)" Its not often my nephew and I have a conversation because it often ends up in an argument over how much of a spoilt little child he is, but today was different, it has been for a few weeks, i think maybe he's started to grow up slightly.
Soo there are no plans for the rest of today, i'll probably take a nap, and then watch some tv. Nothing to exciting today really, but i like it this way sometimes :) x
Tuesday, 12 October 2010
I'm Going To Be A God-Mum && some other random rambling ;) x
Heyyy.
Omg so today my friend phoned me, she's 13 weeks pregnant and asked me if i would go along to the scan with her. Soo I got the bus to my friends house in gillingham ( A huge challenge, i HATE public transport) and had a look around her nice shiny new appartment, then off we went to the hospital for her scan. I have never seen anything so amazing, We heard the babys heart beat, watched HIM moving around, we found out she's having a boy! It was kind of noticed in the scan and it was typical of Philip (the baby's dad) to point it out saying "thats my boy! ;)". They gave me a copy of the scan photo and said "i tihink the god-mother should have a copy" Omg so excited!! I can't believe they want me, yes ME, to be god-mother. After the scan we went back to crystals and philip left for work, we had alot of girly talk over lunch and lots of baby talk too!!
After lunch Bobby and Jamie came to collect me, then off we went with charlotte to hempstead valley shopping centre, where i brought a few more christmas goodies, and a few little baby presents, I swear this child WILL be spoilt ;) We looked at the halloween stuff and Jamie chased me around sainsbury's wearing a clown mask, So off i ran screaming in the shop begging him to take it off and hiding behind bobby so he couldn't get to me. After that he dissapeared and 3 hours later returned to pick us up then dropped us off at Bobby's where I met the parents again, after last nights meal I was feeling pretty awkward, then they asked me about my ED, Bobby must have told them, i don't remember saying anything to them :S Soo they asked a lot of questions, asked me about what help im getting ect, how my parents reacted about it how they're helping me, Soo many questions, but they were understanding and really nice about it.
Last night after the meal, i done something im not proud of, something i never imagined myself doing. I purged. I don't think i'll ever do it again, but never say never. I don't want to get into that kind of cycle.
My Insomnia allowed me to exercise from 1am untill 4am when i eventually decided enough was enough and just layed in bed shivering under my 2 duvet covers untill i fell asleep. I woke up at 8am after a disturbing dream, I swear i thought i was drowning!
Omg so today my friend phoned me, she's 13 weeks pregnant and asked me if i would go along to the scan with her. Soo I got the bus to my friends house in gillingham ( A huge challenge, i HATE public transport) and had a look around her nice shiny new appartment, then off we went to the hospital for her scan. I have never seen anything so amazing, We heard the babys heart beat, watched HIM moving around, we found out she's having a boy! It was kind of noticed in the scan and it was typical of Philip (the baby's dad) to point it out saying "thats my boy! ;)". They gave me a copy of the scan photo and said "i tihink the god-mother should have a copy" Omg so excited!! I can't believe they want me, yes ME, to be god-mother. After lunch Bobby and Jamie came to collect me, then off we went with charlotte to hempstead valley shopping centre, where i brought a few more christmas goodies, and a few little baby presents, I swear this child WILL be spoilt ;) We looked at the halloween stuff and Jamie chased me around sainsbury's wearing a clown mask, So off i ran screaming in the shop begging him to take it off and hiding behind bobby so he couldn't get to me. After that he dissapeared and 3 hours later returned to pick us up then dropped us off at Bobby's where I met the parents again, after last nights meal I was feeling pretty awkward, then they asked me about my ED, Bobby must have told them, i don't remember saying anything to them :S Soo they asked a lot of questions, asked me about what help im getting ect, how my parents reacted about it how they're helping me, Soo many questions, but they were understanding and really nice about it.
Last night after the meal, i done something im not proud of, something i never imagined myself doing. I purged. I don't think i'll ever do it again, but never say never. I don't want to get into that kind of cycle.
My Insomnia allowed me to exercise from 1am untill 4am when i eventually decided enough was enough and just layed in bed shivering under my 2 duvet covers untill i fell asleep. I woke up at 8am after a disturbing dream, I swear i thought i was drowning!
Soo now i'm home tucked up under my 2 duvet's for an early night, in by 10pm seriously makes a change to the long cold walks home at just gone 1am.. Must catch up online first Eastenders, then some Waterloo Road, And then finally saving the best untill last The Inbetweeners, i swear i Lovee it, almost as much as i love skins, Which by the way is back soon :D
Im hoping to sleep tonight. Seriously i have suitcases under my eyes! Mwahh xx
Random Couple of days..
Not Much has really gone on the past couple of days..
I forgot to mention in the last post how my visit to the doctors went.. i was contemplating just getting up and leaving (again) i done that the last time, but i stayed. I was thinking stupid things like "im not thin enough what if he doesnt believe me" Eating Disorders are NOT about weight. The thoughts going through my mind were unreal. Anyways after about 10minutes of stressing out my name was called and off i went to see Dr. Ali. I explained what was going on (with great difficulty) he then weighed me and checked my BMI. He also asked me questions about my relationship with food and how i feel about eating, ect. He told me the different routes i could take for recovery such as councelling, I have also got an appointment with a dietician which im dreading!! i'm yet to arrange to see a therapist, but i will get around to it eventually.
And I have an appointment with my doctor again in a few weeks.
I've had my hair done.. My good friend sian is so talented when it comes to hair. She has no hairdressing qualifications, but she dyed washed cut and blow dried my hair, and i must say it looks really nice.
Last night bobby's parents invited me to a meal with them at our local, of course, i was dreading it, completely freaking out, because of the fact that i wouldn't be choosing my portion sizes and there was no possible way for me to watch them prepare the meal. However i overcame this and prepared myself for a night with Bobby and his family. Things were going okay untill his dad asked me if i was enjoying my Jacket potato with cheese and sweetcorn (something i havent eaten in a long time) I replied yes and then pushed the plate away. I couldn't finish it, i got half way through and started to feel guilty.
I have a bet on with a few friends who seem to think i couldnt last a day, let alone a whole month without Alcohol in my system, they also said i wouldn't last without crisps (one of the only foods i can eat without guilt). Soo im on day 3 of proving them wrong. A whole month, i can do this easy!!
Whats in it for me: A trip to London Dungeons all expenses payed for.
If i fail: Just the fact of never living it down that im dependent on the stuff.
Soo this is a challenge im willing to face and get through!! AND I WILL :)
Yesterday was a good day except for the meal with Bobby and his parents. Went christmas shopping, I got the girly presents done. Dolls, and make up and perfume and Jewellery and Lots of pink stuff. I loved itt !!
Now for the boys. Im clueless!
Anyways, off too see where my friends just started her new job.
Mwahh <3 x x x
I forgot to mention in the last post how my visit to the doctors went.. i was contemplating just getting up and leaving (again) i done that the last time, but i stayed. I was thinking stupid things like "im not thin enough what if he doesnt believe me" Eating Disorders are NOT about weight. The thoughts going through my mind were unreal. Anyways after about 10minutes of stressing out my name was called and off i went to see Dr. Ali. I explained what was going on (with great difficulty) he then weighed me and checked my BMI. He also asked me questions about my relationship with food and how i feel about eating, ect. He told me the different routes i could take for recovery such as councelling, I have also got an appointment with a dietician which im dreading!! i'm yet to arrange to see a therapist, but i will get around to it eventually.
And I have an appointment with my doctor again in a few weeks.
I've had my hair done.. My good friend sian is so talented when it comes to hair. She has no hairdressing qualifications, but she dyed washed cut and blow dried my hair, and i must say it looks really nice.
Last night bobby's parents invited me to a meal with them at our local, of course, i was dreading it, completely freaking out, because of the fact that i wouldn't be choosing my portion sizes and there was no possible way for me to watch them prepare the meal. However i overcame this and prepared myself for a night with Bobby and his family. Things were going okay untill his dad asked me if i was enjoying my Jacket potato with cheese and sweetcorn (something i havent eaten in a long time) I replied yes and then pushed the plate away. I couldn't finish it, i got half way through and started to feel guilty.
I have a bet on with a few friends who seem to think i couldnt last a day, let alone a whole month without Alcohol in my system, they also said i wouldn't last without crisps (one of the only foods i can eat without guilt). Soo im on day 3 of proving them wrong. A whole month, i can do this easy!!
Whats in it for me: A trip to London Dungeons all expenses payed for.
If i fail: Just the fact of never living it down that im dependent on the stuff.
Soo this is a challenge im willing to face and get through!! AND I WILL :)
Yesterday was a good day except for the meal with Bobby and his parents. Went christmas shopping, I got the girly presents done. Dolls, and make up and perfume and Jewellery and Lots of pink stuff. I loved itt !!
Now for the boys. Im clueless!
Anyways, off too see where my friends just started her new job.
Mwahh <3 x x x
Friday, 8 October 2010
My Dad.. & a quick update on today.
Soo I've been thinking a lot tonight after visiting a friend and heading to a karaoke bar, I sang Luther Vandross - Dance With My Father Again, and after singing it i felt myself feeling slightly emotional.
We argue A LOT over many things. But i know that even though we hardly ever see eye to eye, he loves me and would do anything for me. And sometimes i take that for granted.
He's gone to extremes to make me realise my own worth, to try and make me see the damage ED has caused ect, even to the point where he packed my stuff up after shouting at me "You look like a skeleton" and alot of talk about putting myself through "a slow torturous suicide" and kicked me out. This was the night that i felt fear, i mean a REAL FEAR...
Dad was diagnosed with MS a few years back and it drains him. When we had the argument he was relapsing and due to his stubborn nature refused to let it beat him. After shouting at me and sending me on my way he and my mum had a huge row. Mum was trying to stick up for me and it made things worse and she walked out after calling my brother in tears. My brother is the only person who can really get my dad to see sense so after bringing mum and I to his house he drove back to talk to my dad, only to find he had gone. He was gone for hours mum and my sister in law went looking for him. They even looked on strood bridge (also known as suicide point) hearing they were looking there scared me! They called the police to send out a search and we drove mum home. As I was walking out of the house with my duvet dad pulled up, I hoped he would tell me everything would be okay, hoped he would tell me to come home, instead all he said was... "Oh did you forget something?" then walked through the front door slamming it behind him.
We never speak about this anymore, we can't mum expects me to just forget about it and let it drop but it was hurtful, and something I could never forgive him for. The day mum collected me to move back home dad still refused to talk to me. We talk now but things aren't how they used to be.
I miss his old ways, his jokes, the stories he used to tell, the fun we used to have as a family.
There are times where i wish he would just look at me the way he used to look at me, talk to me, put his arms around me and promise me that everything is going to be okay. I used to feel reassured by his promises back when i was younger and i just wish he could make me feel that way again.
I wish my dad was okay. I wish he would take our advice, accept that he is ill and give up work. Not only is working on the roads a danger to himself but it also puts a lot of other people in danger too. He just never listens.
There have been a lot of feelings of hatred and anger aimed towards my dad, but i know he will be there for me no matter what and for that i will be forever greatful.
Soo i guess this is just going to be some honest and heartfelt waffle about my dad.
We argue A LOT over many things. But i know that even though we hardly ever see eye to eye, he loves me and would do anything for me. And sometimes i take that for granted.
He's gone to extremes to make me realise my own worth, to try and make me see the damage ED has caused ect, even to the point where he packed my stuff up after shouting at me "You look like a skeleton" and alot of talk about putting myself through "a slow torturous suicide" and kicked me out. This was the night that i felt fear, i mean a REAL FEAR...
Dad was diagnosed with MS a few years back and it drains him. When we had the argument he was relapsing and due to his stubborn nature refused to let it beat him. After shouting at me and sending me on my way he and my mum had a huge row. Mum was trying to stick up for me and it made things worse and she walked out after calling my brother in tears. My brother is the only person who can really get my dad to see sense so after bringing mum and I to his house he drove back to talk to my dad, only to find he had gone. He was gone for hours mum and my sister in law went looking for him. They even looked on strood bridge (also known as suicide point) hearing they were looking there scared me! They called the police to send out a search and we drove mum home. As I was walking out of the house with my duvet dad pulled up, I hoped he would tell me everything would be okay, hoped he would tell me to come home, instead all he said was... "Oh did you forget something?" then walked through the front door slamming it behind him.
We never speak about this anymore, we can't mum expects me to just forget about it and let it drop but it was hurtful, and something I could never forgive him for. The day mum collected me to move back home dad still refused to talk to me. We talk now but things aren't how they used to be.
I miss his old ways, his jokes, the stories he used to tell, the fun we used to have as a family.
There are times where i wish he would just look at me the way he used to look at me, talk to me, put his arms around me and promise me that everything is going to be okay. I used to feel reassured by his promises back when i was younger and i just wish he could make me feel that way again.
I wish my dad was okay. I wish he would take our advice, accept that he is ill and give up work. Not only is working on the roads a danger to himself but it also puts a lot of other people in danger too. He just never listens.
There have been a lot of feelings of hatred and anger aimed towards my dad, but i know he will be there for me no matter what and for that i will be forever greatful.
________________
UPDATE: Soo today hasn't been very eventful (welcome to my world) I got up at about half 12 to find charlotte and her little sister at my door. Soo I made us all lunch and sat in the garden enjoying the sun for a while.
After they left I got ready and got started on the list of things mum asked me to do for her. First, the hoovering. It's always fun to see Dinky (my minature Jack Russel who seems to think she's a rottweiler) attack the hoover everytime it's switched off. Next i moved onto tidying the kitchen, washing up drying up putting the stuff away. And Finally the ironing, I LOVEE ironing, thats sad i know, but seriously.. some loud music, dancing and ironing is quite entertaining for me :)
After housework, I went to charlottes and we took a walk down to morrisons so i could check how much was in my bank. Today was payday, the highlight of my month. Payday allows for me to have a social life.
Then we walked back to mine to return the money my dad so kindly allowed me to borrow and left for the karaoke bar where we met Bobby, who insisted on buying the drinks even though i had money and wanted the flash the cash and get a round in. <-- typical man spoiling my fun.
After the bar closed I went back to charlottes where we encountered some paranormal activity. Charlotte has a cool i-pod speaker thing which you plug your i-pod into to charge and it plays the music quite loudly. Well the speaker was switched of by the plug and on the table in her dining room, We were smoking and the i-pod started playing through without any of us touching it. Soo we smoked what was left of our fag and ran from the room feeling slightly freaked out. Then i came home after watching CSI, a box set to be put on my x-mas wishlist lol.
I have work tomorrow. Only a 4hour shift soo its not too bad, and then im off to buy hair dye and see my good friend and hair dresser sian, who is going to cut my hair and dye it red with black underneath, Soo fingers crossed it will turn out okay... x x x x
Thursday, 7 October 2010
A busily boring day.
Hey. Soo todays been quite busy, but nothing too interesting happened.
I Managed to get out of bed at about 10 o'clock-ish. Mum came home from shopping, and brought me back an application form for Amherst Court, a nursing home, I adore old people and although it may be a lot of hard work I can see myself enjoying working there. Soo fingers crossed i get called up for an interview. :)
After filling out the form and taking it down to the nursing home, which looked amazing - very modern, a nice atmosphere AND it didn't smell!! I walked home and had lunch, A pastry thing with cheese on it and then a pancake with some chocolate stuff on it. And then I made my way to my aunts house, I don't really see my family often as im pre-occupied doing my own things soo it was really nice to see her, another one of my aunts was there visiting killing two birds with one stone because it meant i got to see them both, It was nice to have a catch up with them, sitting in the front room drinking tea and having a chat. Well anyways being there the time flew by quickly.
I got home just before dad arrived from work, and made rice with some quorn chicken stuff for dinner, and then around 6pm Bobby knocked with my present. A bottle of vodka. We made our way to a good friend of mine, Rachel and Rob, then drove down to Bingo. Being such a lovely friend Rachel sent rob and Bobby to the shop to buy me some fags, and they arrived back just in time for the first game. As usual we had no luck and didn't win a penny! but it got us out for a while and we all had a good time soo thats the main thing.
Rob dropped myself and Bobby to my house and we just chilled for a bit, then at 1am i asked him to leave after an awkward conversation. Soo here I am in bed with the laptop and my bottle of vodka. My parents adore Bobby, nothing but praise for him, which is a first coming from my parents. They never approve of any one i've been seeing!
Tomorrow I'll be booking an appointment with the doctor, and as he's never really busy i'll probably be seeing him tomorrow night. It's time to kick ED in the balls and i guess this is one of the most important steps to take.
Anyways my pillow and duvet are calling me..... zZzZzZz x
I Managed to get out of bed at about 10 o'clock-ish. Mum came home from shopping, and brought me back an application form for Amherst Court, a nursing home, I adore old people and although it may be a lot of hard work I can see myself enjoying working there. Soo fingers crossed i get called up for an interview. :)
After filling out the form and taking it down to the nursing home, which looked amazing - very modern, a nice atmosphere AND it didn't smell!! I walked home and had lunch, A pastry thing with cheese on it and then a pancake with some chocolate stuff on it. And then I made my way to my aunts house, I don't really see my family often as im pre-occupied doing my own things soo it was really nice to see her, another one of my aunts was there visiting killing two birds with one stone because it meant i got to see them both, It was nice to have a catch up with them, sitting in the front room drinking tea and having a chat. Well anyways being there the time flew by quickly.
I got home just before dad arrived from work, and made rice with some quorn chicken stuff for dinner, and then around 6pm Bobby knocked with my present. A bottle of vodka. We made our way to a good friend of mine, Rachel and Rob, then drove down to Bingo. Being such a lovely friend Rachel sent rob and Bobby to the shop to buy me some fags, and they arrived back just in time for the first game. As usual we had no luck and didn't win a penny! but it got us out for a while and we all had a good time soo thats the main thing.
Rob dropped myself and Bobby to my house and we just chilled for a bit, then at 1am i asked him to leave after an awkward conversation. Soo here I am in bed with the laptop and my bottle of vodka. My parents adore Bobby, nothing but praise for him, which is a first coming from my parents. They never approve of any one i've been seeing!
Tomorrow I'll be booking an appointment with the doctor, and as he's never really busy i'll probably be seeing him tomorrow night. It's time to kick ED in the balls and i guess this is one of the most important steps to take.
Anyways my pillow and duvet are calling me..... zZzZzZz x
Wednesday, 6 October 2010
Wednesday: A pointless day..
I've been in bed all day.
Soo its been a pretty pointless day. I slept for most of it, Caught up with The Inbetweeners, Mum made dinner and brought it into me, then sat with me while i ate it. It was pasta with cheese, Nothing too enjoyable really.
I was supposed to go and see bobby today but I text him and told him im not getting out of bed so i'll see him tomorrow, he said he has got me a present to appologise for us having to walk home in the rain lmao. Its not his fault it rained bless him.
Soo today things haven't been to great with food and i ended up writing my mum a letter, it seems that writing is the only way i could explain things to her properly. And it must have gotten through to her as she cried whilst she was reading it, that made me feel kinda guilty. I feel as if im trying so hard but just not getting anywhere.
I've been trying to be productive and take my mind away from the negativity so have been applying for jobs, I applied for 4 different jobs at the bridgewood mannor hotel, i've got to hear something soon, primark wont take me on full time, not that im complaining cause i hate it there anyways, but i need something to do on the weekdays. And it seems theres no luck with the applications i've handed in up the hospital.
I've got a friend in need on her way over with a bottle of wine, so i guess i should get out of bed and make myself look presentable.
Mwahh <3 x x
Soo its been a pretty pointless day. I slept for most of it, Caught up with The Inbetweeners, Mum made dinner and brought it into me, then sat with me while i ate it. It was pasta with cheese, Nothing too enjoyable really.
I was supposed to go and see bobby today but I text him and told him im not getting out of bed so i'll see him tomorrow, he said he has got me a present to appologise for us having to walk home in the rain lmao. Its not his fault it rained bless him.
Soo today things haven't been to great with food and i ended up writing my mum a letter, it seems that writing is the only way i could explain things to her properly. And it must have gotten through to her as she cried whilst she was reading it, that made me feel kinda guilty. I feel as if im trying so hard but just not getting anywhere.
I've been trying to be productive and take my mind away from the negativity so have been applying for jobs, I applied for 4 different jobs at the bridgewood mannor hotel, i've got to hear something soon, primark wont take me on full time, not that im complaining cause i hate it there anyways, but i need something to do on the weekdays. And it seems theres no luck with the applications i've handed in up the hospital.
I've got a friend in need on her way over with a bottle of wine, so i guess i should get out of bed and make myself look presentable.
Mwahh <3 x x
Last nights trip to amadeus and the after effects.
Soo here i am lying in bed, feeling ill. Self inflicted (of course) due to the ammount of drink i had last night. It took 2 hours to walk home in the pouring rain, luckily i wasn't wearing massive heels like i usually would, or it could have possibly taken double the time. Bobby gave me his jacket to keep me as dry as possible, but i felt guilty because he was getting soaked soo i insisted that he took his jacket back. I got home at 4:30am, And think i would probably be better off sleeping for the rest of the week.
We got to the club for 9pm, because Dan likes to be there early, and when i say early i mean we were the first ones in there, It was slow to start with, thats why its better to go out later and arrive when the dancefloors packed out.
"In for a Penny, Drink for a Pound" tuesday nights motto. I took £20 out with me and that got me alot of vodka, in the form of shots and also diluted with coke :P
Dan saw some old friends of his, and we ended up with them for the night, Charlotte as usual was not impressed, but she soon cheered up when some decent music came on and we hit the stage ;)
The Amadeus camera man done his rounds taking snap shots to put on the website, Apparently we had a few photos done, soo i'll be hunting for those soon.
Last night was one of the best nights out i've had in a long time, i used to hate Amadeus with a passion especially as they were always letting the younger ones in and never bothered much with ID, last night they were strict, they asked to see everyones ID soo there was no chance of having some 15year old coming up flirting with you, that put Dan at ease as he was known as Mr, Flirty for the night all over the girls.
2am arrived and the complaints began, Charlotte and her feet, so we all had to leave early because her feet were aching, i didn't mind but thought it was unfair how she was taking it out on Dan and Ash, its not like they could do anything about it.
Anyways last night was a good night no more dramas excpet for the awkwardness in the smoking area when dan commented "fucking hell becca can u get any thinner" to which i replied, "i probably could but the aim is to start gaining and sorting my head out" awkward but nothing another drink couldnt sort out.
Now off i go to snuggle under my duvet, close my eyes and hope for some positive thoughts when i wake up. x x
We got to the club for 9pm, because Dan likes to be there early, and when i say early i mean we were the first ones in there, It was slow to start with, thats why its better to go out later and arrive when the dancefloors packed out.
"In for a Penny, Drink for a Pound" tuesday nights motto. I took £20 out with me and that got me alot of vodka, in the form of shots and also diluted with coke :P
Dan saw some old friends of his, and we ended up with them for the night, Charlotte as usual was not impressed, but she soon cheered up when some decent music came on and we hit the stage ;)
The Amadeus camera man done his rounds taking snap shots to put on the website, Apparently we had a few photos done, soo i'll be hunting for those soon.
Last night was one of the best nights out i've had in a long time, i used to hate Amadeus with a passion especially as they were always letting the younger ones in and never bothered much with ID, last night they were strict, they asked to see everyones ID soo there was no chance of having some 15year old coming up flirting with you, that put Dan at ease as he was known as Mr, Flirty for the night all over the girls.
2am arrived and the complaints began, Charlotte and her feet, so we all had to leave early because her feet were aching, i didn't mind but thought it was unfair how she was taking it out on Dan and Ash, its not like they could do anything about it.
Anyways last night was a good night no more dramas excpet for the awkwardness in the smoking area when dan commented "fucking hell becca can u get any thinner" to which i replied, "i probably could but the aim is to start gaining and sorting my head out" awkward but nothing another drink couldnt sort out.
Now off i go to snuggle under my duvet, close my eyes and hope for some positive thoughts when i wake up. x x
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