My Dad.. & a quick update on today.

Soo I've been thinking a lot tonight after visiting a friend and heading to a karaoke bar, I sang Luther Vandross - Dance With My Father Again, and after singing it i felt myself feeling slightly emotional.

Soo i guess this is just going to be some honest and heartfelt waffle about my dad.

We argue A LOT over many things. But i know that even though we hardly ever see eye to eye, he loves me and would do anything for me. And sometimes i take that for granted.

He's gone to extremes to make me realise my own worth, to try and make me see the damage ED has caused ect, even to the point where he packed my stuff up after shouting at me "You look like a skeleton" and alot of talk about putting myself through "a slow torturous suicide" and kicked me out. This was the night that i felt fear, i mean a REAL FEAR...

Dad was diagnosed with MS a few years back and it drains him. When we had the argument he was relapsing and due to his stubborn nature refused to let it beat him. After shouting at me and sending me on my way he and my mum had a huge row. Mum was trying to stick up for me and it made things worse and she walked out after calling my brother in tears. My brother is the only person who can really get my dad to see sense so after bringing mum and I to his house he drove back to talk to my dad, only to find he had gone. He was gone for hours mum and my sister in law went looking for him. They even looked on strood bridge (also known as suicide point) hearing they were looking there scared me! They called the police to send out a search and we drove mum home. As I was walking out of the house with my duvet dad pulled up, I hoped he would tell me everything would be okay, hoped he would tell me to come home, instead all he said was... "Oh did you forget something?" then walked through the front door slamming it behind him.

We never speak about this anymore, we can't mum expects me to just forget about it and let it drop but it was hurtful, and something I could never forgive him for. The day mum collected me to move back home dad still refused to talk to me. We talk now but things aren't how they used to be.

I miss his old ways, his jokes, the stories he used to tell, the fun we used to have as a family.
There are times where i wish he would just look at me the way he used to look at me, talk to me, put his arms around me and promise me that everything is going to be okay. I used to feel reassured by his promises back when i was younger and i just wish he could make me feel that way again.

I wish my dad was okay. I wish he would take our advice, accept that he is ill and give up work. Not only is working on the roads a danger to himself but it also puts a lot of other people in danger too. He just never listens.

There have been a lot of feelings of hatred and anger aimed towards my dad, but i know he will be there for me no matter what and for that i will be forever greatful.

________________

UPDATE: Soo today hasn't been very eventful (welcome to my world) I got up at about half 12 to find charlotte and her little sister at my door. Soo I made us all lunch and sat in the garden enjoying the sun for a while.

After they left I got ready and got started on the list of things mum asked me to do for her. First, the hoovering. It's always fun to see Dinky (my minature Jack Russel who seems to think she's a rottweiler) attack the hoover everytime it's switched off. Next i moved onto tidying the kitchen, washing up drying up putting the stuff away. And Finally the ironing, I LOVEE ironing, thats sad i know, but seriously.. some loud music, dancing and ironing is quite entertaining for me :)

After housework, I went to charlottes and we took a walk down to morrisons so i could check how much was in my bank. Today was payday, the highlight of my month. Payday allows for me to have a social life.

Then we walked back to mine to return the money my dad so kindly allowed me to borrow and left for the karaoke bar where we met Bobby, who insisted on buying the drinks even though i had money and wanted the flash the cash and get a round in. <-- typical man spoiling my fun.

After the bar closed I went back to charlottes where we encountered some paranormal activity. Charlotte has a cool i-pod speaker thing which you plug your i-pod into to charge and it plays the music quite loudly. Well the speaker was switched of by the plug and on the table in her dining room, We were smoking and the i-pod started playing through without any of us touching it. Soo we smoked what was left of our fag and ran from the room feeling slightly freaked out. Then  i came home after watching CSI, a box set  to be put on my x-mas wishlist lol.

I have work tomorrow. Only a 4hour shift soo its not too bad, and then im off to buy hair dye and see my good friend and hair dresser sian, who is going to cut my hair and dye it red with black underneath, Soo fingers crossed it will turn out okay... x x x x